Monday, February 14, 2011

A Greaseball in City Hall.

I rarely get involved in politics or political discussions because of the sheer futility of it all. The endless streams of bullshit emanating from politicians' mouths is too mind-numbing and rhetorical for me to come close to giving a damn. I have noticed a particular brand of stupidity, however, that is inherent to municipal politics.

It seems that mayors are usually borderline megalomaniacs and are constantly hatching some of the most inane plots, some of which actually come to fruition (ie: Vancouver Olympics). A lot of these people are from privileged backgrounds and have absolutely no connection to the man in street, unless he happens to own a car, in which case, they will try to extort as much money from him as humanely possible.

During Municipal elections, an endless parades of crackpots materialize out of nowhere and announce their candidacy. Their platform invariably has to do with marijuana in one way or another. What is sadly lacking, is a voice of reason, someone to tell all those overpaid bureaucrats to shut up once in while; someone greasy.

The time has come to have some rockabilly at city hall. Some greasy common sense. Things would get accomplished a lot quicker that's for damn sure. A greaseball for mayor !

Here's a hypothetical scenario of what would happen if a greaser were elected to office.

Day one: After a booze fueled victory party, the newly elected and hungover greasy mayor would show up for work at city hall with all the city councilors. All his greasy friends would also tag along just to hang out. This would also add to the intimidation factor as the mayor tells everyone to shut the fuck up while alluding to the fact that all his greasy pals would mess them up if they didn't.

Councilors that would oppose this motion or show any form of dissension would get the message later that day when all the air was let out of their tires.

Later on, the mayor would force everyone to remove their neckties and create a small bonfire to burn them on the city hall lawn.

The mayor is too hung over and adjourns for the day.

Day 2.

The mayor arranges to have an entire truck load of  Jack Daniel's delivered to city hall and forces the councilors to pay for it from their own salaries. He decrees that, while he encourages them to drink some bourbon on the job, even the ones that won't still have to pay.

He then proceeds to repeal all smoking bylaws and passes big cigars all around. While enjoying his cigar thanks to the new bylaws, he enacts a new bylaw. All pot smokers are henceforth obliged to be disinfected, wear shoes and bring all unregistered patchouli to the local police station for immediate destruction. They will also be required to fetch beer, guitar strings, hair grease and car parts for the mayor and his entourage.

Day 3.

Suits are banned from city hall and everyone must wear cuffed jeans. the mayor gives himself veto power thus enacting a law that gives him the right to shout "Shut up, square !" every time some councilor opens his trap with yet another hare-brained idea.

The city hall cafeteria is now required to serve nothing but southern BBQ, tacos and burritos and Pabst Blue Ribbon. The mayor figures that if all the squares drink enough PBR, they may eventually com up with an intelligent idea.

The mayor commissions a 20 foot tall statue of Elvis for the front lawn that says " thank yuh vury much" everytime somebody walks by it. All city hall employees are also required to say " thank yuh vury much" at the end of each sentence.

All council meetings are too begin with the phrase, "let's go, daddyo! " and votes are either answered," hell yeah !" or "fuck, no!"

Day 4.

The mayor loosens the liquor laws and anyone can open a bar as long as ; a) It is not lame, b) It has a juke box that plays Country, Rockabilly or Blues. c) actually pays bands a decent wage

The liquor laws are also amended to include the immediate closure of bars that play Techno, bars that have over 50% skanks inside, bars that allow Ed hardy and Affliction on the premises and Wine bars.

Another section of this law allows for the immediate arrest and possible beating for people acting like assholes on the street, shouting like animals or just being plain obnoxious.

Day 5.

The mayor has closed a deal with a foreign government and has sold all the city buses. Public transportation is replaced with a fleet of thousands of vintage cars and the ride is free. Above mentioned assholes can walk.

Some ferries will be replaced by large row boats and the oars will be manned by unemployed, and now pot-free, hippies. It will give them something to do and build up their muscle tone, lost through years of pot-induced inactivity.

Day 6.

The Jack Daniel's truck finally arrives. The mayor cancels all official business and throws a massive party. A couple of bands have flown in and there are hot rods and low riders all over the city hall lawn.

The mayor starts to get hammered and starts calling all the councilors punk-ass bitches and pointdexters. Later that night, a massive brawl erupts between the mayor's greasy, drunken buddies and the bureaucrats, leaving city hall in shambles.

Day 7.

The mayor  shows up at city hall around two pm. In his hungover haze he suddenly remembers all the cool cats, hot chicks, burnouts on the lawn, motorcycles in the hallways, and the fact that he fired everybody the previous evening.  A few hours later, a contractor  gives him an estimate for repairs. It seems that previous night's festivities have caused around $300,000 in damage to city hall.

Day 8.

The mayor hears on the news that the Army is on the way. He heads down to city hall and grabs all the money out of petty cash, a bunch of liquor licenses, the receptionist and whatever is left of the Jack Daniel's. He wast last seen in his '51 Merc somewhere in Texas.