Monday, July 8, 2013

Greasy Danger

Some people seem to enjoy indulging in purposely dangerous activities like jumping out of airplanes for no good reason. Some claim they like the adrenaline rush that it produces. Personally, I hate adrenaline. If you have too much of that shit pumping through your veins, there is something wrong. Either you're scared of something, say like a bear chasing you because he's convinced you taste like chicken. Maybe you are experiencing rage bordering on apoplexy, say in a bar with a couple of really big rednecks. Someone is gonna get hurt or maybe end up in jail, either way beer will be spilled and your Saturday night is just going to be downhill from that point on.

Some adrenaline is produced on purpose, for example, willing paying good money to get on a roller coaster. The prospect of simultaneously being terrified and wanting to puke does not appeal to me in the least, nor does the fact that every single bit of money that you have in your pockets will succumb to centrifugal force and be gone. To add insult to injury, the circus clowns will be hanging around at the base of the roller coaster and mock you as they scoop up the mounds of change that have accumulated there.

Day to day life and the unexpected curves it throws at you are dangerous enough without having to participate in activities like taunting sharks for fun, climbing a cliff without ropes, walking across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope or any other high-risk "sports" that candidates for the Darwin Awards have come up with.

And then there's the redneck type of danger which is in a class all its own. Rednecks seem to search for pointless and dangerous activities the same as the so-called adventurous types, except that their logic (or lack thereof) is completely different. It's a different means to an end, but results are roughly the same. Redneck adrenaline activities usually include some or all of the following elements: something with a motor in it, big tires, mud holes, shotguns, lots of booze, angry bulls, chainsaws and camouflage pants. These activities are always, without exception, preceded by the unknowingly prophetic "Hey! Watch this!!".

 Greasy Every Day

To the average greaser there is nothing to think about when dealing with greasy hair and cuffed jeans. It's just what happens in the morning when you get ready for your day. Some cats are in a band, and it doesn't strike them as strange at all to be covering really obscure rockabilly songs. The rockabilly gals enjoy dressing in vintage threads and sporting vintage hairstyles. Its what we do. To the rest of the world the outward image is very distorted and this be dangerous. Some people just don't our devotion to a certain decade. They don't get the music and they don't get the cars. To them rockabilly sounds too twangy and rat rods are too rusty.

So yes, we will be ridiculed or at the very least, misunderstood. Some people might point out that your pants are too long because you have a 4 inch cuff on your jeans. Some people might think that you are insane because they think every day is Halloween for you. Some people often erroneously assume that we are endowed with low IQ. " I'm so dumb, that I play really big fiddle".

Being greasy is so dangerous in some cases, that we have to reluctantly de-grease sometimes. I think that many of my greasy brethren can attest to this fact whenever a job interview at a conservative company comes up. Even something as innocuous as disputing a traffic ticket in court can be logistically challenging. Even traffic judges don't seem to take too kindly to greasy pomps, wallet chains and leather jackets. The judge will take one look at you and no matter how articulate your defense may be, this is what the judge will hear ," But yer honner, I tells ya I didn't park my pick up truck on top o' that ole possum, Ga-hilk!" This is why all of us have some kind of ratty old suit and a pre-knotted neck tie kicking away somewhere in the back of our closet.

 The Perils of Facebook.

We've all done it at least once. Posted something on line, specifically Facebook, that we ended up regretting. In this brave new world every single ridiculous thing that you posted on line is out there in cyberspace. Forever. For the most part Facebook tends to be self-regulating and people are usually on their best behavior. Even with this extremely powerful communication tool, many posts are pictures of stupid cats, pictures of meals that are about to be consumed, random pictures of a gal and her friends' feet or youtube links to some sucky seventies band that allows that person to vicariously re-live their youth via Facebook, all from someone you've never met in real life. All pretty harmless stuff.

You rarely, if ever, see status updates that proclaim things like "Thinking if robbing that bank on the corner" or " I just stole 800 lbs of office supplies and they're in my garage" or " I am so fucking drunk that I kicked my neighbor's dog, partially shit my pants, stole a car, drove it through the window at the 7-11 to get some mustard, and now I'm drinking more whiskey and eating a mustard sandwich."

The biggest danger is mixing booze with Facebook. This is akin to calling your ex at 3 am after you've been drinking all night. It's going to be either inarticulate, maudlin, incoherent, fueled by anger or all of the above. It will confuse and annoy the other people on Facebook and they might think that you are slowly but surely becoming unhinged.

The biggest danger on Facebook are your privacy settings. If you leave the settings to public, strange things will happen to you. Anyone from cops, prospective employers and bank managers will google your name and check out your Facebook page. So either put your settings to friends only or refrain from posting things like " I like to keep a spare bottle of whisky in my desk" or " enjoying a cup of stolen office coffee" or " I enjoy credit card fraud and I got the Cadillac to prove it" or " My gun went off when I was cleaning it and I am now missing three toes" or better yet " My therapist says my delusions are getting better and I haven't tortured any cats this week".

It's probably a good idea to edit all those pictures that your friends tagged you in as well. People checking up on you will think that you are a fine upstanding citizen if they see pictures of you riding a bicycle, rescuing baby seals or wearing a really ugly sweater at christmas. They might not be so impressed with the pictures of you falling into a campfire but you saved your beer, any photos involving puke, any photos of you passed out and your friends scribbled on your face with sharpies, photos of your butt, photos of other peoples' butts, photo of your dog's butt, photos with you flipping the bird ( which is very common for some reason), photos of you committing a felony or photos of you scratching your private parts.

Life was indeed simpler before the internet and Facebook came along. You could be a complete drunken retard and very few people would ever hear about it, but then again without FB you would miss a lot of good parties.

Some Random Daily Dangers.

Those cheap reading glasses that you can buy at dollar stores, you'll go cross-eyed.

Dollar stores in general. Cookies two years past their expiry date, cheap shit with lead paint, dishes made from industrial waste, tools that instantly lodge metal splinters in your eye and soda pop from third world countries that have a tendency to explode.

The effects of drum circles cause hearing loss and may induce hallucinations.

Buying black market cigarettes on the street. Guaranteed to not contain more than 10% rabbit shit.

Using any Microsoft product. Side effects include fits of rage, depression, radiation burns, anal leakage, soft-tissue injuries from smashing computer with hands and permanent brain damage.

One dollar a slice pizza joints. May or may not cause kidney damage. Guaranteed to not contain more than 10% rat feces and cockroach legs.

Looking directly at hippies. This has been proven to cause cataracts in laboratory mice. Also some mice spontaneously developed dreadlocks.

Smelling hippies' patchouli emanations. A known carcinogen.

Talking to hippies. Side effects include nausea, mild psychosis and possibly Tourette's Syndrome.

Taking public transportation. Dangers include being exposed to the entire population of a mental hospital, sitting in urine, having hot coffee spilled on your privates, discovering entirely new odors and looking at inordinate amounts of ugly people. Coming into contact with handrails has caused some people to contract the Ebola virus.

Looking at Ed Hardy shirts. Known to trigger seizures.

Hanging around Starbucks. Known to trigger certain OCD behaviors including urge to wear funny looking shoes, obsession with Macbooks, listening to cheesy Jazz, chew Cilantro, use strange expressions such as "paradigm shift" and eat 14 dollar sandwiches. In some laboratory tests a certain percentage of lab rats smelled burned toast after ingesting Starbucks coffee.

And the greatest danger of them all, my friends: running out of beer.

Head down to the beer store right now and stay safe.

1 comment:

  1. Haha let's not forget the dangers of working on old Hot Rods!