Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Santa Claus Ain't Hard Core

I will not attempt to make this into an anti-christmas tirade, some people like and some people don't, plain and simple. Every year around this time I find myself trying to ignore it which seems to be an exercise in futility. The marketing juggernaut of christmas marketing will not let you forget for one minute that the impending date is looming in the not too distant future.

Every November 1st,  like clockwork, christmas paraphernalia suddenly springs up at Home Depots across the continent. Soon after we are assaulted by a barrage of cheesy christmas music in any public place that has speakers hooked up. A few weeks after that, homeowners try to outdo each other with garish decorations and endless streams of lights that consume enough kilowatts to heat a small town or blind airline pilots.

All this relentless advertising and induced merriment seem to tacitly imply that you are a loser if you don't participate. For the vast majority, the religious connotations have long since fell by the wayside and the season to be merry has degenerated into an orgy of consumerism, over-spending and the inexplicable urge to wear really ugly xmas sweaters.

Families will get together and old beefs will resurface, many things come to a head on this night. At least one family member will get extra-christmas hammered and possibly start a fist fight. Some greasers have to endure a bunch of fool questions about hairstyle choices or wallet chains from semi-demented aunties drinking cheap-ass sparkly wine. Others will be forced to drink all sorts of vile xmas concoctions to be followed by much xmas puking.

It's also a shitty thing to do to kids. They are indoctrinated at a very young age with the bizarre myth of santa claus. What a perfect way to twist young impressionable minds by telling them about an overweight elf that goes around the world in under 24 hours propelled by magical flying herbivores. The laws of physics are further abused when it is never fully explained how he could squeeze into a chimney, and whatever other means of illegal entry necessary for houses that lack chimneys. When the kids reach a certain age, this myth is quickly dispelled when it is revealed to them that ole santy claus ain't real after all. That's a harsh lesson to learn as all this is wrenched away. This is of no concern to retailers and marketers; they have already created the next generation of consumers and possibly future Wal-Mart employees.

It may sound bitter, but that is my spin on it. So what to do on xmas eve for those that don't partake? All the freakin' bars are closed on this, the one night when me and my friends really need a drink. We always manage to find a secular, non xmas themed house party and hang out there until the booze makes us forget, but not before we are reminded that we have to do it all over again on New Year's and get even more inhumanely jacked up.

This year, through a happy set of coincidences, an opportunity arose that promises to make this the most memorable Dec 24th for about a thousand people; Brian Setzer is playing on xmas eve here in Vancouver, BC. at a place that is steeped with history called the Commodore Ballroom.

You read that correctly; Brian freakin' Setzer and his Rockabilly Riot. To make it a double-barreled shotgun kind of night , Cousin Harley will be opening ( do yourself a favor and check out Cousin Harley/ Paul Pigat on youtube and you will understand what I'm talkin' about). The Gretsch guitars will be twangin', the greasy pomps will be glimmering, and very loud Rockabilly will fill the air. The booze may not be flowing so much in my case, because this is one show that I don't want to forget in a hazy, booze-induced bout of amnesia. The Commodore is laid as such so that if you arrive early enough you are assured a good spot in front of the stage. If some dang squares start doing the arrhythmic convulsing that they call dancing in front of the stage, I will personally trip them or pour a beer down their pants.

Too me that is hard core Rockabilly and I would personally shoot down santa's sleigh with stinger missile in order not to miss this show. Many of my friends are sadly unable to attend. Now if I had a kid, I would tell him to hang out at McDonald's for a few hours because santa claus will showing up and handing out all the fries and Big Macs that the kid is able to stuff down his gullet.

Only a few more days of anticipation for what promises to be a memorable night. Henceforth this night will be known as Grease-mas. It will be a time for the kats and kittens to get extra greasy, listen to cool music and drink many festive beers. Until then, Merry Grease-mas to all, and I'll let you know if I survived New Year's eve.

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