Thursday, December 29, 2011

What An Animal.

 A few years back a term rose to popularity, which was the word anthropomorphize. Simply stated, it is attributing human characteristics to animals. It's a big fancy word that doesn't really mean a whole lot, because as much as some people would like to believe that their cat understands English , it does not. It's just that some people perceive critters to act in a human-like way. I would challenge some of these people to stick their arm in the lion's cage down at the zoo and observe what would happen next.

The truth of the matter is quite the opposite, us humans have it all backwards. Humans are far more susceptible to engage in  animal-like behavior rather than to other way around. Being the top of the food chain and supposedly the most intelligent mammal on the planet doesn't seem to be an issue in some cases. Our language is replete with examples of animal names attributed to certain behaviors. calling someone a retard (amusing as that may be) does not convey the specific visual connotation that calling someone a certain animal does. The imagery is vivid and leaves no doubt as to the intended description. Here's a few examples.

1. Animal.

This a catch-all phrase that can be applied in many situations. Whenever I see someone horking on the street I involuntarily yell out "animal".  If you were to see some dude lift a refrigerator all by himself, you might think to yourself "what a freakin' animal !"

Often the term animal is used for those engaging in semi-barbaric activities, not unlike your average UFC fan ( why they wear strangely effeminate clothing is a whole other subject).

I personally think of hippies as animals because of their questionable hygiene and deplorable way in which they live ( I cannot explain what I was doing inside a hippie house, I just happened to be there). When I go to a certain bike shop that is frequented by hippies in ratty clothes and am forced to endure the type of b.o. that emanates after a long lapse in bathing , I can only conclude that these people are animals. If I were to call them on it, I would be labeled an animal myself. My desire to beat them senseless and douse them with turpentine could also be considered animal-like.

If you really want to bring out the animal in me just leave some food, beer or bourbon lying around.

"What happened to all the beers?"
"I think Serge drank 'em".
" What an animal!"
Me, " Belch."

I think that applies to most greasers , so I don't feel so guilty. I might be breaking the greaser code on this one, but being alone in a room with a case of cold beer is too much temptation for me to bear.

2. Squirrely.

No one is called a squirrel per se, it is their behavior that is squirrely. One has only to observe some squirrels doing what they do naturally and this expression becomes self-explanatory. Some people just behave like 180 lb. squirrels. They flit around endlessly as if their brain has a short circuit and usually spout a barrage of endless and pointless yammering.

Back in the day these people were considered nuts, but there are many different levels of nutso and squirrely is one of them. They mostly have jobs but are just as likely to set your hair on fire just for fun. These are also the type of folks that will walk squarely into a glass door or spill at least one coffee or drink per day.

Speaking of drinks, you get some booze, or worse yet some pot, into these these people, then you have a flying squirrel, Turbo-squirrel, The nonsensical yammering is ramped up several notches, and depending on how crazy they are, the volume will go up to ear shattering levels, or to down to barely audible conspiratorial tones.

There is one alarming side-effect of being around squirrely people; their behavior can send you over to edge to the point where you begin to get a little squirrely yourself. Beware the squirrels.

3.Cat, Catty.

Cat is an expression that is familiar to all greasers and other cool folk. I think it dates back to the early years of the jazz era when musicians referred to each other as cats. The expression stuck, and with the exception of to many "cats" bands in the 80's, is still a vivid way of describing people.

Catty on the other hand, is an expression reserved for women. Not really understanding the dark and enigmatic mysteries that lurk in women's mind, I can't really explain what all this so-called catty behavior is all about. I know that is has something to with pejorative remarks that are directed at each other and men are rarely privy to this. What men do like however is cat fights. These are a rare occurrence and can be terrible sight, but men just seem to enjoy witnessing this strange phenomenon. That probably goes back to high school when the word  would spread like wild fire. " Chick-fight!!" and everyone would run. I think that, all the clumps of hair strewn about notwithstanding, we all knew that nobody would really get hurt. And sometimes their boobs would pop out of their bras.


This is usually a term reserved for women when referring to men. If you're a guy and you are messing around with other women, you're a dog plain and simple, If you go out late with your buddies and come home drunk, then you are relegated to the doghouse.

I'm not sure where this expression came from originally. I don't condone dog-like behavior but I wonder why this behavior became analogous with dogs. Men don't go around sniffing each other's butts, eating trash, and pooping on neighbor's lawns. However some of us occasionally howl at the moon and pee frequently on inanimate objects.


This has many different meanings. It can be someone who is dirty and doesn't like showers. Sometimes it is someone that eats so much that the manager at the all you can eat buffet asks them to leave. Others have unsavory table manners and are said to eat like pigs. Some remote parts of some southern States seem to have a fondness for hearing people "squeal like pig".

Years ago in New York City, I was sitting in a parked car waiting for a friend as he was getting beer. Without even realizing, I found myself staring at the pretty curves of a gal walking by. I was awakened from my reverie when I heard "pig".  I looked to my right and saw a lady scowling at me and she repeated  " you're a pig". I was confused. Am I a pig or a dog?

6. Bush Pig.

Fucking Ugly.

7. Wart Hog

Fucking Ugly and obnoxious.

8. Cow.

Yet another term that women utilize amongst themselves to refer to others of their gender.  A man is never a cow, although I have been known on more than one occasion to "drink like a cow".I am not sure why they pick cows specifically. I like cows , they have beautiful brown eyes and are so damn tasty.

9. Rat.

Usually used by criminal organizations, a rat is someone who is an informant. This can also happen at work when some son of a bitch ( see weasel) will rat you out to make themselves look good. Didn't we all learn this in kindergarten?; don't tell on people. Bikers; kills rats dead.

10. Weasel.

Everyone knows at least one weasel. These diminutive instigators will gnaw at you incessantly like their animal world counterparts. They will argue for no reason or will go running to the boss to tell him that you stayed in the can for more than ten minutes, They usually position themselves in situations where you cannot punch them in the head, and if the opportunity arises for direct confrontation, they will "weasel out of it".

You can also find weasels trying out low-level scams like the infamous "loudspeakers sold out of a white van". Another good one is the " I need 40 bucks to take a bus to see my ailing sister".

Weasels will also try to hit on your wife or girlfriend when you aren't looking. They can also be found in bars grabbing people's drinks and stealing tips off the bar.

Sometimes it is necessary to be a bit of a weasel one's self, such as when friends ask you to help them move or paint their house.

11. Snake.

Snakes are similar to weasels except that they usually nickname themselves " snake". Such rebels those snakes.

12. Baboon.

Another word for a dangerous retard. Usually possessing great strength and sharp teeth, like real baboons they are sometimes prone to showing their butt in public. Others are employed as bouncers at dance clubs.

There you have it folks. I wish you all a Happy New Year and as for myself, I will probably be acting like an animal on New Year's eve.

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