Saturday, April 24, 2010

Mr. Grease Will Calculate Your Hippie-factor

I have written many times about the most odious and licentious citizens among us; the ubiquitous hippies. They are seemingly smug about their hippie-ness and proudly display all the requisite emblems and indulge in all the mindless rituals that are part of their inane and slightly demented lifestyle.

To the average greaser, this repulsive and incomprehensible. The greasy cogs of his pomp covered cranium spin rapidly as he tries to quantify this convoluted mayhem.

One day, the greaser will find himself doing something strange . He will stop and think, and midway through his introspection will ask himself the most horrifying question in greaserdom; "Holy crap! Am I a hippie?"

I am here to help. Vast amounts of scientific data have been accumulated with precision instruments. Mainly drinking beer while listening to the stereo, muttering to myself and getting progressively more paranoid. Here are the results of this informal and alcohol-fueled scientific experiment.

What percentage of hippie do have in you?

1. Hippie-crack or pot, for the less greasy among you,

A few days ago, in our fair city of Vancouver, 4:20 day was held. 2000 or so pot aficionados descended en masse to the steps of the Vancouver art gallery to hold a "protest". They brazenly lit up joints and proceeded to fill the area with a cloud of pot smoke. Running the gamut from men in tutus to punks with cannabis leaf mohawks, the participants pretty much looked like rejects for a Cirque du Soleil audition.

This event is held at 4:20 pm. If you let that sink in for a while, it probably means that very few people there had any visible means of employment.

Beer drinkers never seem to have the urge to congregate in large numbers in a public space, get loaded and hurl insults at cops.  We do it the old fashioned way; go to a bar, belch a lot and quietly stagger home.

If you attended 4:20 day, your score is 100% hippie.

2. Sandals and Socks

If you ever had the urge to wear sandals and socks, I urge you to seek professional help. Wearing thick wool socks with sandals sort of defeats the purpose of the latter. Whenever you see some scruffy protester chained to a tree, lying down in front of a moving Caterpillar D-9 or angrily waving a sign in some meaningless protest, check out their footwear.

Your score; 92% hippie


We've all seen these sallow, slimy, colorless quivering slabs of bio-matter. How that shit can trigger hunger is beyond me. Even cockroaches won't touch the stuff. I was once unknowingly slipped a tofu hot dog. After chewing on that rubbery ersatz hot dog for ten minutes, I still hadn't swallowed it. Everybody laughed as I realized  what was going on.

I know real hot dogs are made from lips and assholes, but who cares? You gotta love a good hot dog.

If tofu makes you salivate, your score is 85% hippie.

4. Volkswagen buses .

Those ridiculous things are still around and coveted by hippies from around the world. This is the ultimate hypocrisy, because those under-powered pieces of shit spew more blue smoke than ten Husqvarna chainsaws.

It makes me laugh even more when those bug people drive their VW van 4 blocks to the organic store.

The ones with the little pop up roof are even funnier. In the parallel univers of hippie-logic,  it makes for a good permanent housing solution.

If you see a VW bus rolling down the street and you think to yourself " Cool!", your score is 85% hippie.

If you see one and think " I could chop and drop that", that is an appropriate response and there is nothing wrong with you.

If you see one and think," Say...I could live in that." You are well on your way to becoming a hobo.

5. Drum Circle

Parks attract hippies and their nefarious drums like dog shit attracts flies. Most greasers' natural reactions are to get an old shotgun and blast a million holes in those bongos.

If you see a drum circle and develop an urge to do the tree dance, you are insane and your score is 100%

If you want to participate, also 100%, unless your intent is to the bang those fuckers so hard as break them, just to show them longhairs.

6. Hemp Anything.

Hell, what do you think cotton is for? I would know for certain that the end is near if I saw greasers cuffing up their newly acquired hemp 501's. You could shoot me right there and then.

Hemp advocacy is just thinly disguised pot advocacy. Get over it, you can't smoke that hemp sweater and this ain't the 1800's.

Some of the finest cows gave up their lives so that I could have good boots and a cool jacket. Some of the best John Deere tractors fried their engines so I could have Levi's and lots of black t-shirts.

If you own a hemp tote bag, stash bag, underwear or anything else your score is 95%.

If you own a hemp bag with a genuine imitation Star Trek tricorder in it, I have some tin-foil hats to sell you.

7. The Government, Man....

Conspiracy theorists are a very scary variety of hippie. They believe in shadow governments, alien plots, mind-controlling dogs or anything else that their pot-addled brain can come up with. Too lazy to learn scientific facts they just make shit up as they go along.

Interspersed with random bits of Eastern mysticism, new age crystal rubbing obsessions and  mis-qouted snippets of Spinozza or Sartre, the vast quantities of horse-shit spewed by these deluded freaks never ends.

If you think a quartz crystal has "vibes", your score is 100%

If you believe your house is sitting on a nexus point, you are right and I have some tin-foil hats for you as well.

If you think your computer is spying on you, you are right and I can see you. Also 100%

Here are a few other signs that you may have some hippie tendencies. You are not quite there and your score is low. If you discard the offending objects or habits. you are not beyond redemption.

1. Your curtains are blankets or flags.

2. You wear blankets or flags.

3. You bought tickets for Burning Man.

4.You don't use toilet paper

5. You want to travel to some remote location for mystical experience.

6. You have wind chimes on your balcony.

7.You have roaches but won't kill them, because you are an animal rights activist.

8. Ditto for crab lice.

9. You don't own any soap.

10. You tried to make your dog be a vegetarian.

11. You don't have a bank account...the government, man!

12. You think Critical Mass is a great idea.

13.Your favorite hangout is the Cannabis Cafe.

14.You eschew doctors and run to the neighborhood herbalist when you are sick as a dog.

15. You have so much crap, that even 1-800-Got-Junk won't return your calls.

16. You have more than three really stupid hats.

17. You are wearing three scarves at once.

18. You cut your own hair.

19.You have no idea what a Mennen speed stick is used for.

20. You have macrame on your bike.

Hope that helps, now get your calculator and make sure you ain't a hippie.

1 comment:

  1. i only wear scarves when i take acid!