Saturday, April 17, 2010

Mr. Grease's Guide to Douchebaggery

Douchebag. It sure has a nice ring to it, but what exactly does it mean and who are these ubiquitous yet elusive douchebags ?

This vivid description has been floating around since the seventies and seems to have returned with a vengeance recently, almost to the point of being overused. The Urban Dictionary states that a douchebag is someone who has surpassed asshole but has not yet achieved the status of motherfucker.

Douchebaggery does not discriminate, it crosses cultural, age, gender and class boundaries. I will not speculate as to how one becomes a douchebag, I just offer some opinions about the observations that I have made over time.

The average asshole does not aspire to be a douche. Being too dumb to be condescending, he is too wrapped up in his tiny universe of muscle cars, UFC matches and endless streams of classic rock to even attempt being a douchebag. His only retort when confronted with something that threatens him is " Fag!"

If you don't respond, he will puff up his chest and walk away with a satisfied look. Not unlike a big Rottweiler who's just barked at someone.

Even though the douchebag is more insidious, he/she is just as vulgar in his/her lack of subtlety. Douchebags are usually found in large urban settings and often search out trendy places. Suburban douches are more annoying in their lack of sophistication and complete certainty of their moral and cultural superiority.

Everyone has had some douchoid experiences, but these are not be confused with authentic douchebaggery. For most people, and particularly greasers, these are just natural self-preservation instincts when someone messes with your shit, your source of income, your dwindling supply of beer, your reputation or your dignity. It's just taking care of your own and not letting people take advantage of you.

 True douches deliberately go out of their way to be douches, whether because of a sense of over inflated self-worth or a sociopathic motivation, the end result is still undiluted douchebaggery.

Here's few types of douchebags that I have encountered over the years;

1. The Snarky Cashier.

 This can be categorized in the WTF? department. Usually young and pre-occupied with fashion, they will glare at you icily as they ring up your purchase not missing a beat of their vapid phone conversation. If they do agree to speak to you when you tell them what size pants you want, they will give you a look usually reserved for cockroaches.

Their minimum wage pay in no way interferes with their belief of absolute superiority over you. If you call them on it, they will just roll their eyes and say "whatever". It is of no use speaking to the "manager", because they are an older version, only more bitter, because they have been there five years. Just buy your pants and get out, you rockabilly low-life.

2. Elevators.

What is it about elevators that brings out extra special douchebaggery?  Having taken many elevators through my work, I always seem to encounter the same two dudes sporting those long, squashed shoes goin' on about the stock market. Or a gaggle of secretaries having  the same pointless conversations devoid of any content, or gossiping about the office skank.

3. Cel phone Yakkers.

We all have cel phones nowadays, but douchebags just speak into them at a decibel level that rivals a Motorhead concert. We are not impressed.

Others are just too stupid to care about divulging personal information in a room or bus full of strangers. Yes, we are all relieved that the pimple on your ass is not contagious.

4. Fashion Joggers.

In this city, everyone jogs it seems. It's a big performance replete with expensive jogging outfits and sophisticated timer/heart-rate monitors. They scowl at us mere mortals as they run by in that carefully contrived cadence.

Yeah, we all see you. Yeah, your butt is pretty nice. You are still a douchebag. If you make you dog jog with you, you are even more of a douche.

I like to sit on a bench near the water and watch them go by. I enjoy their scowls as I chug beer out of a can and belch at them in rhythm with their footfalls. I'm such a filthy greaser.

5. Excuse me...

Any phrase that starts with "excuse me", you're not gonna wanna hear. Some angry, self-righteous yuppy is about to tell you what to do, you filthy barbarian.

They will tell you to put out your smoke in a park, not curse on the street, get your bike off the sidewalk,  or whatever else they deem unfit for their sanitized world.

Lady, if I actually gave a shit about riding a bike on the sidewalk or cursing in public, I probably wouldn't do it. So fuck you, and I assume that you know what a middle finger means.

6. Hipster Bike Fucks.

Now I like riding bikes as much as the next guy, but don't get me started on those hipster douches riding fixed gear bikes. That's a whole other blog.

The unmitigated sense of self-entitlement of these ultra-douches astounds me. They will ride on the left side of the left lane, three abreast in the right lane or wherever else they damn well please. They aren't going anywhere, it's just another douche fashion show.

If you, you dirty greasy sumbitch, has the nerve to actually honk at these skinny-jean clad douches, you will automatically get the middle finger.

That finger disappears pretty dang quick if you get out of your truck to call them on it. They will trundle their pink wheeled bikes as fast as their non-aerodynamic ironic mustaches will let them and fuck right off.

7. Ed Hardy

Nothing says douchebag instantly more than all those shiny, glittery shirts and jeans. What would posess a grown man to wear that hideous shit?

It's one thing to be a metrosexual, but this affront to esthetics is frightening to look at. It physically hurts my eyeballs.

It's also a gangsta thing. Every suburban lout and his inbred brother wants to be gangsta yo. I be a bad ass mutherfucker cuz I gots shiny shit on my shirt.

And you, you greasy neanderthal you, cannot be hip enough to understand in the eyes of the Ed Hardy douche.

I ain't scared to get a cap inserted into my ass, I'm just scared that I will hurt myself as I fall down laughing or maybe get permanent brain damage induced by staring in disbelief at all that shiny stuff.

8. Real Estate Douches.

You gotta be an extra special kinda douche to put your own picture on your business card, or worse yet, on the back of a bus.

These evil sharks were never smart enough to do anything else. They took a 4 week " course" and greedily flip houses on unsuspecting decent people.

The bad hairstyles, excessive make-up and tacky clothes are a dead giveaway and you, you biker looking greaseball who must be a criminal, are an object of derision. Unless you wanna buy a condo.

9. Yuppie-town.

I think every large North American city has one. The douche's natural habitat filled with trendy restaurants, wine bars (just typing that makes me wanna puke), doggie spas ( for real), expensive clothing stores filled with horrific clothes, anorexic blondes walking microscopic dogs and lots of expensive cars.

They will mindlessly sip their wine served by insane bimbos, indulging in shallow conversations and eyeballing you, you dirty pomped up Elvis lookin' dude, appalled by the audacity that you have for even showing up.

You can hear them late at night when the restaurants shut down. squawking, howling and shouting in some incomprehensible douche-speak.

10. The Urban Douche

This variety of douche is a strange amalgam of many annoying douchy things. They usually are quite aggressive in their self-righteousness. They are the ones you see wearing shorts in the dead of winter.

They often ride those big clunky Dutch bicycles, and if they are married, the bikes will match. They are usually vegetarian and the lack of protein induced by such a diet, makes them completely humourless.

They have large straw baskets on those bikes to carry all those organic products that they diligently purchase at Whole Foods.

They wander around the aisles looking for arcane items and 12 dollar heads of withered lettuce. Everybody looks pissed at Whole Foods. It must be you, you shiny-hair, chain dangling gastropod you.

That scowl means that " No, there is no chips, Pepsi or beer here, get out".

My mistake, I thought that they actually sold food here.

Well, there you have it, my greasy brothers and sisters. I hope that helps in some small way to identify the douchebags in your town.

Don't worry though, douchebaggery is not contagious but, for the sake of your sanity, is best avoided at all times.


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