Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Office Greaser.

Having been a greasy shop monkey most of my life, finding myself suddenly thrust into an office position has been a farcical adventure, the epitome of a greasy fish out of water, if you will.

Used to being around greasy dudes, loud and dirty metal shops, high end audio stores and auto parts warehouses, the transition to a conservative environment has been strange.

It's not that I'm a barbarian, I'm just a garden variety greaser with greaser habits. Far from being inarticulate, the greaseball vernacular that I am accustomed to doesn't seem to fit well in the office setting, as most people don't understand it. I guess that  "you got it , daddy-o " is not in most people's daily discourse.

The various things that occur in shops and that shop cats take for granted are perplexing, and sometimes shocking, to the average office worker.

Here's a partial list of greasy rockabilly shit that office folk don't understand and some stuff that can simply not be done in a office.

1. Bag Scratching;

When you are doing metal work, it gets hot and dirty, there will be bag scratching involved. After a long day, you will crack some beers with the boys. I can confidently say, that when you get a bunch of greaseballs in a shop with some beers that there will be bag scratching. It's just a natural thing, and we think nothing of it.

The office, however , is a whole other thing. I think I scandalized some visitors the other day when I felt an itch. A short grope to the crotch of my 501's relieved the problem, but judging by the expression on the visitors' faces , I had committed an obvious office faux-pas. Note to self: go to can, scratch bag.

2. Big Greasy Pomp.

That seems to be an endless source of amusement to some, a complete mystery to others and some people actually dig it. Seeing as I prefer the high and tight style of pomp, the clean cut nature of it seems to fit the conservative nature of the office world.

The downside , however, is greasy computer keyboards, greasy cabinet knobs in the kitchen, and greasy fingerprints everywhere. Most office folks don't know that you have to use some really greasy shit  to achieve that pomp perfection, so they are wondering where all those greasy fingerprints are coming from ( much to MY amusement).

The regular pomp maintenance consisting of looking at a reflection in some glass, whippin' out the comb and doing a quick pomp adjustment seems to amuse people even more.

3; Bad Ass Black T Shirts.

Most office people don't read t-shirts, but the fact that they are black seems menacing enough. All those obscure band t-shirts don't convey anything to them anyway, so it is a waste to wear them, but inoffensive nonetheless.

T-shirts that could be considered offensive should be avoided , especially if they include any of the following words:







Fuckin' evil,

Evil as fuck,

Fuck you.

Yo mama.




High tech redneck.

Lo-tech redneck.



4. Crazy Shit.

Metal working dudes are usually known for having a bad temper. There is just something about banging on metal, or trying to remove a 50 year old recalcitrant bolt that will bring on a blue streak of cursing. The physical nature of the work brings on a natural tendency to curse at inanimate objects, it's part of the process.

If you throw a bunch of dudes together in a shop, the metal, noise, challenging nature of the work and clashing egos will produce a true greasy atmosphere. Whether finding out that somebody has borrowed your tools without asking or some idiot made a mistake of monumental proportions that almost injured a couple of guys, there will be chest puffin' and cofronation. It always ends with a few beers and no hard feelings.

I've found out that that there are some things that  can't be said in an office, and the higher the decibel level, the more frightening to the average office worker. here are a few,

Motherfucker .

I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.

Kiss my ass!

Kiss my fuckin' ass.

I'm gonna take that sum' bitch, and beat him in the alley

What are you, a retard ?

Shut yer mouth.

You don't know nuthin'

Double the volume, and you will have people believing that you are a bona fide psycho. While all of the above do not seem out of place in the shop, apparently not so appropriate at the office.

5. Tunes

Better off to leave the rockabilly tunes at home. Nobody is gonna dig it and you will have to spend endless hours explaining it.

6. Tales of Wild  Weekend Debauchery.

The weekend world of regular people is alien to me, but from what I've surmised, from Monday morning conversations, their weekends differ vastly from ours.  Fixing houses, playing golf, watching TV, and going to the mall seem about average,

You are better off not saying a word about the wild bands you saw, the copious quantities of booze, all night parties, loud rockabilly jams, hot rod burnouts, the odd rumble, 3 am pizza runs, the krazy chicks you hung out with and all that gregarious greasy behaviour.

A few observations, and some good advice if you are going to make the transition.

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