Sunday, May 23, 2010

Are You a Hillbilly ?

Hillbilly: it has connotations of being backward, living in rural areas and all the other stereotypes that Hollywood has foisted upon us for the last 70 years. To me , hillbilly is a frame of mind, a different way of looking at things.

Not to be confused with redneck, even though a pick up truck is beautiful thing, hillbillies never feel the need to jack them up six or seven feet and install enormous tires ( and never go off road).

As far back as I can remember, I was fascinated by all things hillbilly. The Beverly Hillbillies probably set the tone, and to this day, that show still cracks me up. Watching the classic movie, Sergeant York, I was enthralled by the authentic hillbilly-speak. Sling Blade remains one my all time favorite movies, mainly because of the genuine use of hillbilly vernacular.

I grew up in a large Canadian city so, you ask, how can I be a hillbilly. I will elaborate and feel free to see if you also qualify as a hillbilly.

1. See above link. You  hear a fiddle solo like in Al Urban's Lookin' for Money.

If it sounds like somebody torturing a cat you ain't no 'billy. If you have a sudden urge to play some air fiddle and drink some whiskey, yer 'billy. If after six beers , you have the urge to play that song ten times in a row, you got it...

2. Shoes bother you.

I jess don't likes shoes. I like wearin' britches, but there's nuthin' like pickin' an old guitar in yer bare feet. Not to be confused with hippies, who intentionally walk barefoot  on city sidewalks just to make a political statement (the dirtier the feet, the more pretentious the hippie).

If you like sittin' on the porch in your barefeet, your a 'billy.

3. Car seats

For some inexplicable reason, there are always lots of discarded car seats in the city. I guess people remove from mini-vans and forget about them.

If you see one of those seats and think " That would be mighty comfortable on my porch" Yes my friend, you are one of us. What goes better with bare feet and a gittar than a car seat? Nuthin' I tell ya.

Also useful for whittlin'.

4. Lemme is not god, Hank is god.

If you think Motorhead is the best band of all times, chances are that you not hillbilly. If in your heart you know that Hank is the end all and be all, I don't even have to 'splain it to ye. If you are confused, you will never be a true 'billy.

Note if interest: Hank was kicked out of the Grand Old Opry in 1951 for his raucous hillbilly ways, and to this day, has never been re-instated.

5. The high cost of living.

All sophisticated city-billies are aware of the soaring rental rates in large North American cities.If you see a big shiny Winnebago roll by your window  " ...Say now....I'm thinkin'..." You know what your thinking. Your thinking that it would be a cool way to live,( believe me, I have toyed with the idea) Even  remotely considering it makes us all 'billies. Hell you don't even need a porch cuz everywhere you go is an instant porch.

6. Critters.

Chances are that you have a dog, bonus points if it's an ole smellhound, We like dogs,but hillbillies like their meat. If you like havin' some buddies come over and grill large slabs of meat, yep: billy

Being a true billy you are, of course, a true grill master. None of them wimpy under cooked burgers for you. Your grill is red hot and you know how to use the 15 varieties of BBQ sauce that you have on hand.

I once knew a gal that had a pet boa constrictor, the first thing that came to mind was " that would make a fine pair of boots". Unfortunately, I said it out loud. She was not amused.

I almost squashed  a cat while riding my bike, I didn't see him cuz I was looking at some car. When I finally did see him, that dumb fucker just sat there in the middle of the road, too stupid to realize that he was about to become a cat pancake. I jammed on the brakes and yelled at him. Only then did he take off like a bat out of hell. I laughed until my sides hurt, much to the consternation of the local hippies. If you think cats are stoopid, then you are 100% hillbilly.

Vegans can have all the moral superiority that they want, but they can have my grill when they pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

8. Pick up trucks.

If you consider this the only viable mode of transport, then you definitely qualify. If you feel all skwarshed when you drive a car, then a pick up is for you. Besides, being the true hillbilly that you are, you always got something or other to haul.

Being a true billy, you have keen eye for good junk, You never know what you'll find there by the side of the road, and when you do, your gonna need a pick up. Hell, most of this here computer including the desk it's sitting on were "rescued". I'm always amazed what you will find behind office towers. Them office people sher iz wasteful.

Pick up truck to the rescue. Supply beers for some of your billy friends, and they will help you unload your newly acquired artifacts, and it's gonna turn in to a wing ding. And all the empties ain't gonna haul themselves to the recycling place.

Only downside about owning a truck is all the new, wonderful friends that suddenly materialize and they have " only a few boxes" to move. A Buck Owens cassette cranked on the old truck radio will soon dispel any further attempts to obtain a free move; those people will be long gone before the twangy song ends.

9. Random hillbilly stuff.

Even though you live in the city, I think you have qualified as a hillbilly. Here's a checklist. If you can say yes to more than one, you my fellow urbanites , are 'billies. Embrace it and enjoy the hillbilli-ness of it all.

1. You own a chainsaw

2. You can ride a horse

3.You've tried chewin' tobacco

4.You've said "Yee-haw" at least once when listening to a band.

5. You hear country music emanting from a bar, you will go in, no matter how shitty the bar,

6.You've slept in the back of a pick up truck.

7. Called somebody a "sum'bitch" at least once.

8.Gave your dog beer at least once

9.Fixed something with duct tape.

10. Fixed something with a 16 oz. ball peen hammer.

11. Yelled at inanimate objects.

12.If you're making something in the shop, you just keep adding metal until it works.

13.Fired a rifle at tin cans.

14.Opened a beer with pliers, claw hammer or anything at hand.

15.Made toast with a wire hanger on the stove.

16.You own at least one cowboy hat.

17. You wear the cowboy hat in public.

18.You scowl at anybody who looks at you funny when you are wearing your cowboy hat.

19.You've owned at least one pair of cowboy boots so pointy, you could kick a cockroach in the eyeball.

20.Got hammered in a dirty shop with the boys.

21.Tried to fix something while hammered (it took a long time, but you fixed it).

22.If somebody asks you for crack, you show them your butt.

23.You have 3 songs that you can nail on the ole git-box when you're shithouse likkered.

24.Ate more than five burgers at one sitting.

25. Driven a tractor at least once

Get yourself a John Deere hat because it looks like you are a hillbilly. I'll be seein' you all at the the next wing-ding. Yeehaw.

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