Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Mortal Enemies

Some people claim to not have any enemies. This may be true, but eventually they will run in to someone that will irritate them beyond anything in their past experience and they have a new-found enemy. It's not anything to be overly concerned about; this is the very nature of the Universe. There are some forces that are diametrically opposed and the laws of physics make these forces unchangeable and immutable.

So, if someone irks you to the point of you having a very tangible desire to punch them in the head, there is no need to feel guilty. These are simply the laws of physics at work. Retard molecules and regular people molecules just mix, they collide and produce negative, and sometimes very volatile, interactions.

Then there are the every day simple things that simply cannot co-exist in the same universe. Others are mortal enemies such as cats and dogs. Others still can be avoided with a few simple precautions and some can be amusing.

1. Liquids and Electronics.

This is physics 101, something that we all intuitively knew even in early childhood (no doubt learned from sticking ones finger in an electrical socket). In the days of big badass stereos we all subconsciously knew not to put a beer on a big amplifier, the resulting explosion and shower of sparks could have been life-threatening.

Modern electronics are more insidious. Our daily lives are filled with small electronic devices. At any given time one will have an iPod or Iphone charging on the desk next to a computer keyboard. These devices do not like liquids. I know this from personal experience. That last microscopic amount of beer left in the bottom of can is barely visible, let alone drinkable. Those few molecules of beer are more than enough to instantaneously destroy a keyboard.  I should know because most of the keyboards in the big pile at the recycling were once mine. These devices don't fry, they unceremoniously stop working without any advance notice.  I am quite certain that a few hours after the first cel phone was invented the event portrayed in the followed picture inevitably occurred.

2. Cops and Bicycle Riders Without Helmets.

Depending what city you live in, bicycle helmet laws vary. In this city they are mandatory. Cops just love chasing cyclists down for committing the heinous crime of not wearing a helmet. I myself received four such tickets last year alone. There is something both surreal and inane about the site of a motorcycle cop in full riding regalia writing up a ticket to some poor unsuspecting dude, with the red and blue lights on his Harley flashing all the while. No, nothing ridiculous here. The tickets are $29.00 which is not high enough to ruin your day, but just enough to piss you off. ( the smarmy comments about my greasy pomp acting like a helmet don't help either).

The last ticket of the year was given to me in front a park that is notorious for harboring a large amount of drug dealers. Those guys are missing teeth, are malnourished and the circles they hang around in are far more hazardous to their healths than trundling a bike at 10 miles an hour without a helmet. I guess it's much easier to shoot fish in a barrel with a shotgun than catch them with a fishing rod. Also those cops would have to wade through the clouds of pot smoke produced by all the hippies sitting in that park and actually have to talk to these drug dealers, and hey, that could get unpleasant.

I still drive around my buddies El Camino once in a while and I drive it like a fucking insane person. I find that heavily excessive horsepower irresistible. Never been pulled over by a cop.  I like to drink beer in parks which could result in a steeply priced ticket, never been harassed by cops. I yell obscenities at bad drivers and cops seem to think it's funny.  Must be the sight of a greaser on a bike that sets 'em off.

Where's yer helmet, you sum bitch?

3. Me and Cats.

When the weather is nice, I like to sit in the back yard and have a few beers. This is when I observe an endless parade of neighborhood cats strolling by. They all give me that smug expression that pretty well says, "fuck you, buddy". They randomly kill birds, root through my trash and pee on everything. That smug expression may also mean " yeah , I peed on your stuff, whaddya gonna do about it?"

This is when I like to chuck empty beer cans at them. You see, cats are pretty stupid and the never see that coming. Ever. Those fuckers jump three feet straight up and take off like a bat out of hell. I say they are stupid, because  they come back the following evening and fall for it yet again. I laugh so hard that beer comes out my nose.  Endless hours of cheap entertainment.

If you tried that with a dog he might ignore you, wag his tail and come over or charge at you  and chomp right into your bag. And he'll never fall for it twice.                             

4. Hippies and Greasers ( and pretty much everyone else)

It's not that greasers think that they are better than anyone. A lot of time and effort goes into looking good and and a lot of money is spent on good haircuts. It is therefor perplexing why anyone would go out of their way to be filthy and disheveled. Hippies spend as much time looking for ridiculous and outlandish clothing as the average executive does for suits or greasers for the elusive ultimate can of hair grease. Surely maintaining dreadlocks is more work than maintaining the average car, so why bother.

I don't have a concrete answer, but I think that hippies fondly see themselves as rebels. In most cases these are the products of middle class homes and are mundane and uninteresting individuals. This might explain why they all seem to be into the same things such as waving their hands around crystals, playing bongos, saying ohmmm a lot, displaying large posters of Che Guevara ( who was a fucking commie) , being self-righteous, driving VW buses ( as well as indulging in other time-worn cliches) and just being all-around fucking annoying. Then there's all that pot. Tons and tons of pot with all the prerequisite pontificating that goes along with it.

I feel sorry for all the mangy, bedraggled dogs that they haul around with them. Dogs have a heightened sense of smell and their lives must be miserable having to smell dreadlock grunge, body odor and patchouli all day. As for those poor critters, you can be sure that every dog-owning hippie has blown pot smoke up his dog's nose at least once.

5. Booze and keys, wallets, bikes. logic etc.

Who among us doesn't enjoy a nice cold beer? Who among us can deny having over-indulged and having stupid shit happen? It does happen, people have varying levels of tolerance for the stuff and reactions may vary. Collectively, liquored-up greasers have lost enough keys to build a battleship. This is still a mystery to me, as my keys are always safely secured to a key chain attached to my belt and my wallet chain. I guess the little spring loaded clip becomes too technically challenging to operate while under the influence. Another battleship could be built with the nubs of keys that were broken off in locks. The joys of waiting for a locksmith to show up at three am are unparalleled ( the extra beers in fridge take the edge off, though).

All the wallets that were lost would probably make up 100 whole cows or feed the entire village in China where they make the wallets for a year. It's always fun to go to the DMV 4 or 5 times a year to replace your driver's license. Adding to the excitement is the hairy eyeball the already surly bureaucrats will give you as they mutter " dumbass" under their breath.

Booze seems to mess with gravity and centrifugal force because riding a bike can be challenging after a few brewskies. Did I say challenging? That's not what the staff at St. Joseph's hospital call it.  I did, however, manage to countermand the booze/gravity equation by riding cruisers and designing and ultra-low laid back seat post; a booze-bike! On an average mountain bike however, your weight is directly above the front axle. Booze must affect the bearings or something because the front wheel gets really twitchy. Even walking seems hazardous on certain booze-soaked evenings.

There's no accounting for alcohol-tinged logic. Maybe it's the lowering of inhibitions or maybe that's the sound of brain cells frying. In any case, strange decisions are made while boozing with varying levels of regret the next day. Some may choose to call their ex in the middle of the night ( always a bad idea) others may decide that some very large dude is staring at them and deserves a punch in the face right this very second (an even worse idea).  Others still decide that they want to eat a large pizza with everything on it ( this never ends well).

Greasers have a tendency to play invisible air-upright bass which can be very confusing for people who don't know what an upright bass is. Sometimes they get the urge to rev their engines as fast as they will go and wonder what happened to their piston rings the next day.

It comes with the territory I suppose. Greasers all love to go out, check out some bands and chicks and sometimes inadvertently get shithouse plastered. Pardon the pun, but shit happens. As long as everyone has all their fingers and toes the next day and 50 bucks poorer because of a cab ride, life is good.

As for myself, I have to go, because I have just confronted my mortal enemy, my arch-nemesis if you will: the empty beer fridge. Pure Evil.

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