Monday, August 5, 2013

Time Warp Part II

Blame it on computers or blame it on entropy, either way modern society keeps rapidly evolving. Sometimes for the best and sometimes for the worst. Some things just stay the same, like for instance shitty music.Vapid pop music has been around since time immemorial. Probably as far back as pre-history I'll wager. While serious cavemen were beating on logs trying to figure out rhythms, there was most likely some young caveman who had perfected stupid un-caveman-like moves and had not been able to master the fine art of log beating. He might have worn garish, brightly colored sabre-tooth tiger furs and sported a ridiculous hair style that angered the serious cavemen. The teen cave girls, however, inexplicably loved his caterwauling and would howl at him. This would attract very large cave wolves. They would proceed to eat the cave pop star and that would be the end of his short career.

Cave wolves are now extinct and we have very specific laws about mercy killings and/or cannibalism, thereby causing Youtube to be filled with really bad boy-bands, teen idols, amateurs who can't sing worth a shit and rock-star wannabes who wouldn't know what a guitar is even if you smashed them in the face with one.

That fucked up decade known as the Sixties, or Whaaa? to old stoners, spawned hippie culture which is still prevalent today. This is why I am forced to endure self righteous stinktards who mindlessly protest anything and are offended by everything. I don't need to see some unwashed dude ambling down the sidewalk sporting a saree and toting an African drum over his shoulder, but yet, there they are.

There are milder versions of hippies, such as the ones that think it's OK , no, their natural born right, to heckle comedians at a comedy club. Their sense of self-entitlement precludes them from any empathy to the hundred other people there who have paid good money to be there and enjoy themselves. They are offended by everything and must be vocal about it. It is very amusing when they are cut down by a comedian who's profession includes making minced meat out of retards like that. They also gave him (or her) a microphone on purpose.

Another permanent fixture of our society is wannabe square materialists. Yes , it is absolutely true that someone walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag is better than you. The accompanying scowl should be all the proof you need ( I find it highly amusing and ironic that the bag has a 50/50 chance of being a fake). I hear that they make special coffins that have compartments for Louis Vuitton bags. That will make it very convenient when that dead person is fitted for a suit of flames and prodded with a pitchfork up the ass for all eternity.

These are only but a few of the minor annoyances that are present in everyday life, and like a crackhead muttering to himself while picking the shorts out of his butt crack, it's best to simply ignore them and go on with your life. There are a few things that are no longer prevalent these days, and I can only express relief at this situation.

1. Long, Bad Jokes.

That funny smell you may experience on a hot day is the rotting carcass of the long joke. Very few people indulge in this decidedly unfunny activity anymore and we can all be thankful for that. Even mildly amusing light bulb jokes don't make the rounds anymore. I think that we have all been victims, at one time or another, to the long joke that requires some convoluted, usually badly told, dumb story about non-existent people in hypothetical situations to arrive at some inane and quite un-funny punchline. This verbal assault is the equivalent of someone holding you down while a dog poops on your head.

These jokes were mostly told by individuals who were not funny and their mindlessness often exacerbated by alcohol. It was difficult to extract one's self from these situations and most of us would just politely nod and go "uh-huh" and try to force a laugh when the end of the joke  eventually came. " Oh, I see the priest and the rabbi owned drunken chickens.. ha ha ha.. I get it " While inside your head an enormous " Faaaa-ckkk! was bouncing around your skull.

And RIP to the juvenile and often uncomfortable sex jokes. The explicit description of body parts and their often misused functions was never funny and often brought into question as to how many years it had been since the dirty joke teller has actually gotten laid.

 Unless you were a permanent resident of the Nervous Hospital or are two years old, there was never, fucking ever, any need for fart jokes. Farts are never funny, they just stink and can be a source of embarrassment in social situations.

At least we can get back to having drunken, meandering conversations at parties like normal people.

2. Drunken Meandering Arguments.

Other than cold beer, Google has got to be the greatest invention ever. While it is true that there are many ignorant people who know fuck-all among us, even the smartest folks can turn into morons after a few drinks. This often led to the ubiquitous drunken bar-argument ( which often devolved into fisticuffs or full out donnybrooks in some cases). Both parties were always convinced that they unequivocally right no matter how inane the statement.

Some arguments were as mundane as arguing whether a street is North/South or East/West and some convoluted drunken map-drawing which would probably result in dumping your car right in the middle of a river.

 I just gave up trying to refute gems like " Jimi Hendrix was in the Rolling Stones" or " Yeah man, I can see 60 hertz electricity in a light bulb" or " Yeah man, it's real, I saw it on Star Trek" or better yet " the Capital of Canada is Illinois".

Now stupidity can be stopped dead in its tracks with one quick Google search. Unless someone refuses to believe it and thinks Wikipedia is some vast conspiracy or claims that the laws of physics " is bullshit man!" This is one unfortunate consequence of the internet. Other than nearly infinite amounts of porn, it has facilitated the dissemination of all manners of idiotic conspiracy theories. Fortunately these disbelievers and conspiracy douche-jobs don't argue in bars, they do it in the safety of their basement on the internet.

Now the rest of us can enjoy an evening in bars discussing such profound topics such as why certain cars suck, why this drink tastes funny, questionable fashion sense of certain people and tales of past drunken exploits.

3. Long-winded Phone Conversations.

Some the older among us might remember that quaint device called a land line. Some even older readers might remember when the land line was attached to wall in the kitchen. One would often get embroiled in conversations lasting well over three hours ( and promptly forget what is was about after hanging up). Your ear would hurt for days, your shoulder would be stiff and you probably got a kidney infection from holding in that pee for 3 hours.

Cordless phones came along which allowed people to pace back and forth while talking on the phone. One could probably sneak in a pee while using one of these devices, but the caller at the other end would often say " hey, what's that sound?"

Eventually we all benefited from the easy access to inexpensive cel phones which created the single greatest annoyance of the last century: the cel yell. I don't know what caused people to scream into their cel phones at ear-splitting levels for an hour while in public, but I do know that it cause a collective rise in blood pressure in the entire human race. I did not relish the prospect of hearing about a complete stranger's life when riding a bus. It also was concrete proof as to exactly how vapid and devoid of content some people's lives were, because even though the words were English, I had no idea what they were talking about.

Thankfully those days are behind us. Now all people do with their phones is text when someone is talking to them, zombie-text while walking down the sidewalk, text while they fucking drive a car and video every single life event with their i-phones without actually looking at the event in progress right in from of them.

Nowadays I get all my information from Facebook and if my phone actually rings, somebody died or somebody wants money.

4. What Freakin' Time Is It ?

Another thing I don't miss is wearing watches. I never liked watches because they bothered me. It just felt weird having a piece of hardware attached to my wrist. I eschewed the wearing of watches, so I never knew what time it was. It was a pain in the ass trying to locate clocks or ask complete strangers for the time. Strangely enough, many people still point to their wrist if they they ask for the time.

If you did own a watch, the damn things would eventually slow down or stop working altogether.This would make you late and sometimes leave you confused. Hell, there were some hangover days when I didn't even know what day it was much less what time it was.

Lack of accurate time could wreak havoc on your personal life. You could be late for a job interview and suffer the scorn of a complete stranger. No amount of "Im a people person" bullshit could save that interview.

Before ATM's were invented by Galileo in the 16th century, you had to physically go to a bank and stand in line while waiting for an actual person to hand you some cash. If your watch decided to die on Friday afternoon when you needed to get to a bank, you were pretty much screwed until Monday. Your weekend would consist of drinking water, eating ketchup sandwiches and watching basic cable.

You could easily miss a flight if your watch was off. You might end up camping out at the airport for three days surviving on 6 dollar donuts and washing your socks in the bathroom sink. If you had to  travel to different time zones you would require a Texas Instruments scientific calculator to figure out what time it was. You would end up in Calcutta two weeks later  ( your bags would be in Melbourne).

Modern smart phones have eliminated all those inconveniences. Now I always know what time it is. If I am hammered to the point of not even knowing what city I'm in, the phone will know. If I get chased up a tree by a moose ( this happens a lot in Canada) rescuers will be able to find me with the built-in GPS and we can all enjoy moose burgers later.

If a crackhead asks me what time it is, I can tell him I don't know because I don't feel like reaching into pocket to tell some damn crackhead what time it is. I also enjoy messin' with their heads (why are crackheads always in such a hurry and in need of knowing what time it is?)

I can find a beer store and their operating hours anywhere on the planet on my phone. Now that's the ultimate function. In the meantime, if your phone rings, you owe me money.

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