Saturday, November 28, 2009

Shut up Squares. 6 types of non greasy people.

It's definitely a non greasy world that we live in. We, the greasy few, remain an obscure minority, mis-understood by most. I wouldn't have it any other way way of course, and have come to terms with the fact that I just gave up trying explain what Rockabilly is to clueless squares.

Squares are pervasive in today's society, almost the norm. They feel threatened by any kind of sub culture, and are completely incapable of fathoming any lifestyle outside of their narrow, often TV influenced , meaningless existences.

Music often has no part of their mundane lives, yet they continue to sneer at us, convinced of their superiority.

Influenced by a dogmatic adherence to Victorian values, they sub-consciously believe in the peer system and subsequently think of themselves as nobility.

Their rampant consumerism reinforces that delusion, and they seem to think that the more stuff they acquire, the more noble it makes them.

Here are 6 varieties of squares. See older posts for 7 varieties of hippies.

1: The Cheese and Wine aficionado.

Oh lordy, these are the most annoying of all. Having grown up in the 'burbs, these people grew up without any cultural references other than TV and movies.

Modern art terrifies them, so they have never set foot in a museum. If they did, they would repeat the square mantra; " A 4 year old could have done that".

Art requires too much thinking, and being of average intelligence, the suburban born square will choose to ignore it.

As with everything else, if they don't understand it, it can't possibly exist.

They will, however, attend numerous wine and cheese tastings. This gave rise to the notorious wine bar.

They will sit around sipping expensive wine, just because it's expensive and have pretentious discussions about the stock market, which of course, they know nothing about.

I feel ridiculous even typing those words. Who the fuck would want to go to a wine bar?

2. The dog and pony crowd.

These people frighten me. I have had occasion to do business with some of them in the past, and it felt like looking at somebody else's turd in a toilet bowl.

Whether through inheritance, business acumen, or just plain dumb luck, these people have become super rich.

Usually from working or middle class backgrounds, the insane amount of money that they have amassed causes them to do strange things, and it always seems to be the same things.

They buy expensive thoroughbred horses and have their kids take English style riding lessons.

They wouldn't be caught dead on an old mare ropin' calf at the local rodeo.

I've seen this with my own eyes; they participate in actual fox hunts. Complete with hounds and sporting red jackets and funny hats.

Fucking fox hunts... in Canada... in the 21st Century. Nigel.. bring us tea and crumpets.

If it was legal, I'm sure they would have us put to death. If you looked inside their refrigerator, way in the back, I bet you would find some baloney, snack cakes and a big ass bottle of Pepsi.

3.The Faux Intellectual.

They are usually found attending art openings, wearing leather pants and quoting Jean Paul Sartre. They are usually shocked when they hear a greaser utter words like "minimalism".

They are fond of affectations, and are enamored with French. Some even fondly believe that they can speak French, when they don't know one word.

They are even more shocked when a greaser answers them in perfect French , " L'existentialisme c'est de la merde"

They are easily shocked and readily believe in stereotypes. They almost faint when they see a gaggle of greasers.

They firmly believe that they are direct descendants of European nobility and will often add "Van Der' in front of their last names.

4. The fake Anarchist.

I think every office and workplace has one of these. Defying authority for it's own sake and constantly getting fired.

They denounce capitalism and working for "the man" , yet they have conservative jobs and make decent money.

They usually are in shitty bands trying to make meaningful music, the end result being a vortex of extreme music suckage.

These dudes invariably end up being punched in the head by a greaser at some point.

5. The Hip Hop Wannabes

Oh, these guys just fucking kill me. Every city has them. They come from the 'burbs and for lack of any other cultural stimulus, latched on to rap and rap culture.

They buy the most ridiculous clothing they can find at an actual hip hop store. Hats askew, they shuffle down the street on their weekend forays into downtown, with that special contrived walk.

Fake gold chains glinting from the street lights, they practice their urban rap-speak as they wait in line for two hours to get into some cheesy dance club and paying 30 bucks for the privilege.

Some of them don't make it back to 'burbs because they spent the night in jail after getting into a bar fight just to show how hip hop they are.

6. The Vancouverite.

For those of you who have never experienced that first hand, I will explain; Extreme douchebaggery.

It's like transposing Beverly Hills onto Bumfuck, Arkansas ( my apologies to Arkansans).

Not long ago Vancouver was a a small town on the frontier. It was populated by staunch individualists, freaks and just plain regular folk.

A real estate boom caused this city to really grow, but I think there was a douchebag virus that came with it.

Hedonism became the order of the day. Being a far cry from LA or New York, these folks don't quite get it.

Expensive restaurants sprang up all over town, and you can see them there at closing time, shrieking and being obnoxious, drunk as skunks from $200 bottles of wine.

Sporting Ed Hardy clothing, they can be seen in a sterile neighborhood of high rises called Yaletown.

The men walk around with those long, square tipped, squashed shoes having loud conversations on their blackberries with the hands free attachment.

The bleach blond, rail thin women wander around aimlessly from one over priced organic store to the other having vapid conversations on the cell phone glued to their ears while clutching some poor, forlorn micro-dog.

Oblivious to all others around them, they will jay walk at will, and will and readily give the finger to anyone who dares honk at them.

Once or twice a day they will participate in a fashion show called "going for a run". Sporting those ubiquitous, skin-tight Lululemon yoga pants, they will go around the block a few times, checking out their reflection in store front windows.

After a day of stock trading and real estate ventures, they will congregate at some over priced eatery. They will eat over priced appetizers, drink expensive wine served by inept wait-staff and revel in their own wonderful-ness.

When I was a bouncer a few years ago in that very part of town, I used to derive a perverse pleasure from denying them entry and making them cool their heels in the line up behind that little velvet rope.

Impervious to their whining, it would amuse me to see how perplexed they were that they somehow didn't get their own way.

Only a very small minority figured out that greasing the greasy doorman, was a simple way of by-passing the line up.

The hours of greasy fun.

That's about it folks, just a little random rambling about the non-greasy world that is all around us.

If you want to see some older posts, go to the right of the page and click on the month.

Thanks for reading.

No comments:

Post a Comment