Sunday, February 7, 2010

5 Rings equals 5 Rockabilly Scowls.

As most readers may be aware, I am based out of Vancouver BC and Vancouver is in the direct line of fire for that up coming shit-storm called the olympics.

This a fine city to live in and has been rated as one of the top places to live in the world. Moderate climate and spectacular mountain views make for a good quality of life.

The 2010 games will start in a week and this city is already in a state of lock down. There are cops from all over Canada walking around everywhere and givin' me the hairy eyeball.

Being the ultimate square-fest, this gargantuan money sucking vortex has cast a surreal pall over our fair city.

It's like the foul tricksters of cirque du soleil have taken over the world and have turned people into mindlessly smiling cult members obsessed with lighting and street closures.

Even from the rock 'n' roll enclave that is East Van, where the freaks never sleep, the madness permeates the air.

The city is peppered with bad public art and many stages that promise free shows of shit that I wouldn't want to see if they gave me twenty bucks.

Helicopters patrol ceaselessly 24/7 and the smell of aviation gas fumes permeate the air downtown. The odd CF-18 roars by in, what is now, a very large no fly zone. They are even authorized to use deadly force if necessary.

I don't even know how much money will be spent on the cost overruns, but we will be paying for decades.

Speaking from my point of view, this is causing me angst , and judging by the expressions on my fellow citizens' faces, I ain't the only one. I see a lot of scowls, as people doggedly go to work amidst the thongs of tourists, all the while experiencing serious delays on public transit or long waits in massive traffic jams.

There is not a whole lot to smile about, and all this scowling has made me think; Rockabillies like to scowl. It's an alpha male culture after all, and scowling is part of it, if somebody is messin' with your turf, your ride, your booze or your women. Also Rockabillies enjoy the strangely satisfying feeling of trying to out-rockabilly each other.

Here's five varieties that I have observed.

1: What the fuck are YOU lookin' at.

All greasers experience this on a daily basis. As soon as we leave our greasy surroundings we will be stared at by the general populace. The greasy pomps, all those chains, keys, huge wallets and cuffed jeans seem to perplex squares. This causes them to stare at us like a bunch of yokels who've seen electricity for the first time.

This scowl is a mild one and is just generally considered a dirty look. You look 'em straight in the eye and they get the message " what the fuck are you lookin' at ?". All you need to do is add little upward nod of your head and most will start walking faster.

2.Holy Fuck Are You Stupid.

This one resembles the same expression you get once you realize that you have just stepped in dog shit. It's annoying, it's going to be difficult to get rid of and it's something you really didn't need.

Squares and hippies will always try to be messin' with your cool and somehow try to goad you into justifying your greasiness. After being harassed for the umpteenth time and politely telling them to google it, a well placed dog shit scowl usually drives the point home.

Some don't get it and think that maybe you have gas or your Converse are too tight. Keep scowling and they will get it one day.

3. Man, This Sucks !

You slowly shake your head and silently mouth the first to letters of fuck. You may even slightly whisper it so it ends up sounding like " Faaah".

This usually reserved for something that is unbearable or sucking immensely. It could be a band, a movie or some-god awful hippie show that you have inadvertently stepped into.

It could be the lotto freak in line in front of you at the 7-11 taking 20 minutes to decide which lotto tickets to buy.

It could be some wobbly tourists riding rental bikes, weaving dangerously and defying the laws of gravity by actually remaining upright.

Strangely enough, beer just seems to exacerbate these urban annoyances.

4. Cruisin' For A Bruisin'

This one is borrowed from my Italian friends, the "Que Catso? " scowl. What the fuck? in English. This one is reserved for acts of extreme stupidity. Arms spread wide, palms facing upwards simultaneously hunching your shoulders and mouthing " Whuh". This one says it all.

Some retard spilling beer on your boots or cutting in line at the bar are sure to elicit this scowl.

Obnoxious drunken squares who interrupt you and your buddies' conversation, idiots who almost run you over on right hand turn, loud hippies at the next table, people horking a loogie right in front of you and all other types of urban annoyances will automatically get this response.

If it escalates, watch out because No. 5 will happen.

5. Bare Tooth Growler.

When the bare teeth appear, that's when it's time to run. If a greaser has been pushed so far as to bare and grit his teeth, there's a gonna be trouble.

We Rockabillies are not dissimilar to dogs. When we see a Rockabilly dude walking down the street that we have never met, our first instinct is to eyeball him suspiciously and wonder who he is. After checkin' each other out, we will nod and say "how you doin'?"

You will see him at the next show and be buddies. Like dogs, we only like to play with other Rockabillies. We also chase cars, eat lots of meat, occasionally howl at the moon, pee on bushes, and bite people that annoy us or try steal our food (beer).

Scowl on friends, sometimes a well placed scowl will work wonders and rectify a ridiculous situation.

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