Having absolutely no interest in the upcoming elitist square-fest that will bring Rotten Ronnie and Coma Caca sponsored mayhem to our fair city, I will refrain from making any kind of commentary.
I'm sure that writers far better than I will address the subject and the subsequent post-apocalyptic legacy that the whore-lympics will bestow on Van-city.
Most greasers I know couldn't give a rat-rod's rear end about the whole thing. What is needed is our own type of competition: The Grease-o-lympics.
1. Instead of a torch relay, there will be a phalanx of hot rods fitted with flame throwers. They will aimlessly drive around town spouting 30 ft flames and melting Volvo grilles. The "relay" will culminate with a BBQ and show and shine at some, as of yet, undisclosed location.
Official sponsor, Pabst, will have a readily available supply of its product and it will be freely distributed.
The night would go on, and as the consumption of PBR increases, impromptu beer-fart lighting contests will sprout up. Rival car clubs will be pitted against one another and the accolades will go to the fart with the biggest flame. Extra points if the flame is blue.
Dax will be banned for the duration of the event, simply due to the fact that it is flammable (check the label, it says " keep hair away from open flame").
2.The 50 Meter Hangover Crawl.
After the opening ceremonies it will now be time for the main events. Hungover participants will be given plenty of time to nurse their hangovers and get all slicked up. Official mini vans will be supplied to drive greasers around as they try to remember where they left their cars.
Once the hot rods are located, the rest of the day will be spent trying to locate the venues. Extra points for projectile vomiting.
3. The 4 Minute Pomp.
Participants will all be supplied with one can of Lay-Rite super hold and one regulation size mirror. When a hot rod, backfires they will begin. They have four minutes to get a perfect pomp.
Competitors will be judged by style, form and height. All the hairs yanked out of their scalps by the rapidly drying Lay-Rite will be counted.
Extra points will be given to those who pass out from the pain of yanking half the living hairs out of there skull. Points will be awarded for duration of said pass-out and form while keeling over.
4. The 100 Meter Pabst Dash.
At end of the course will be two refrigerators with 6 beers each inside. Whoever drinks the beers quickest wins. Racers will be judged on subsequent beer belches. Volume, duration, pitch accuracy and tone will be judged. Also, competitors are required to say " Be-bop-a-lula " in belch-speak.
The second half of this event is held at 3a.m. All 600 competitors will line up at the starting line. One refrigerator containing one beer will be at the finish line. Whoever drinks the beer, wins.
5. Bongo Triathlon.
Bongo throw. Competitors will throw bongos competing for distance. Broken pieces will be counted.
Bongo Stomp. 6000 bongos will be laid out on an oval track. Racers will run the course wearing regulation Converse and stomp as many bongos as they can while completing the full circuit.
Bongo Baseball. Bongos will be tossed to competitors by a hippie pitcher. One regulation Louisville slugger will be provided. Points will be awarded for distance and how satisfying the " thwack" sound as the bongo is in it's death throes, bongo-ing out it's last bong. Top scores for nailing the hippie pitcher in the forehead
6. The 1 K hippie chase.
Equipment consists of worn-out Converse, 35 pound wallet chain, leather motorcycle jacket and a lit smoke. Competitors are required to drink 12 beers prior to event while listening to Sarah McLachlen "music" and smelling patchouli.
Twelve feral urban-hippies will be brought onto the track. They will chase an automated track- bongo spewing marijuana fumes.
The greaser racers will be brought onto the field.
When the backfire goes off, the race begins. Greasers are required to yell "fuckin' dirty hippies" as they complete the 1 K. Points for most hippies hog tied with their own dreadlocks.
7. VW bus demolition derby.
Hippies will be lured to the venue with promises of free pot, patchouli, jumbo crystals and homemade sandals. They will have a designated parking lot. Once they are inside the venue, official VW bus wranglers will commandeer said VW buses and bring them into the gaming area.
Competitors will embark VW buses and start the engines. They will compete with monster trucks from the giant hillbilly redneck truck classification.
This a freestyle event.
When race is over, VW buses are returned to their original parking spaces.
8. 50 Meter upright bass hippie bowling.
This is held right after the demolition derby. While all the unsuspecting hippies are wandering around searching for the free pot they had been promised, they will be led out to the bowling field.
Competitors will ascend the 50 meter bass slide. The slide is to be lubricated with hair grease. Once on top, they will mount one regulation upright bass at the starting gate. Once gate is released, they will slide down the bass slide and try to knock over as many hippies as possible, as described in the official rulebook.
Points awarded for amount of hippies knocked over, height of flying hippies, amount of Birkenstocks destroyed and frequency of bass. Extra points if pomp is still in perfect form.
9. 26 mile Pub Marathon.
This event canceled because competitors were never heard from again.
10. 4 hour grease-athon.
This a multiple skill event. During this event, competitors will try to out-rockabilly each other.
A) Idle boasts.
B) Tales of drinking prowess.
C) Bar Posturing.
D) Fight picking.
F) Tough walking.
G) Jean cuffing competition.
H) Belt buckle, wallet chain and wallet weight competition.
I) Hair grease weight competition.
J) Invisible upright bass event.
K) Who was rockabilly first relay race.
L)Viva Las Vegas debauchery competition.
M) Tattoo pain competition.
N) Tales of cop out-running competition.
Closing ceremonies will be sponsored by Pabst. In the spirit of true greasiness, no medals will be awarded, just more free PBR. Hot rods will all rev their engines at once and everyone will go to their favorite watering hole. It will take four years to remember the events lost in a drunken haze and it will be time to do it all over.
Thank you to all who participated.