Saturday, January 23, 2010

Make It Loud

Most dudes seem to enjoy loud noises and explosions. It's a quintessential dude-thing. like getting hammered in a filthy metal shop while sitting on a milk crate or shooting the shit at the local barber shop.

Here is a partial list of some really loud shit that either I have heard or have created myself with an accompanying decibel rating.

1. The Exploding Wine Bag. 105 dB @ 20 ft.

Ah yes, the exquisite bouquet of a 20 dollar box o' wine. Not being a fan of wine to begin with, this putrid plonk will strip the hide right off you. The only redeeming factor is when the the silver bag inside the box is empty. You take said bag out of the box. Hold down the spigot , put it to your mouth and inflate.

Put in on the ground and stomp on it, the larger bags will require you to jump from a height of at least two feet. The ensuing explosion is extremely satisfying . Man that's loud. Pow ! Scares the shit out of neighbours and passers by.

2. F-18 fly-by. 130 dB at one mile

We used to have the Canadian military flying their CF-18's over the city on Canada day and the Indy races. There is no sound quite like it. Most dudes' immediate reaction will be, " Coooo-oool!" Since there are more squares than dudes in this city, that doesn't happen anymore. What a rush that used to be.

3. If it's too loud, you're too old.

Yeah I'm old, but dang it, I still like it really loud. I recently saw Dick Dale. The kid at the door had a big bowl of earplugs and recommended that I take some. After I declined, he said, " dude you don't understand, it's gonna be loud". I refused again and he said, " I was at rehearsal and it's fucking loud". To which I replied with the title of this paragraph. Hell yeah, it was loud, but I dug it. Now if only those pesky sirens in my head would stop wailing.

4. Me Yelling At Psycho Neighbours. 110 dB @ 3 ft.

For some reason, everybody's got at least one Psycho neighbor. Why can't psychos be psychotic in silence ? I don't know. A few years ago, the couple next door decided to have a loud and very vocal argument at 3 am. I knocked on their door and the yelling began. I never knew that I could yell that freakin' loud, so much so that the landlord, who had come out of his place was covering his ears.

The boyfriend got so scared that he fucked off immediately. He hopped into his dually pick up and tore the whole entire right fender off as he hit a tree.

That felt good, but I couldn't talk for three days.

5. Blown Speakers. 110 dB @ 3 ft.

I used to sell high end audio, really high end stuff. On my day off, I would come to the store with some of my favorite CD's and sit in the large sound proof sound room. Two Krell mono blocks and a pair 0f 7 foot high Dunlevy speakers.

I would crank the shit out of that stereo. 3000 watts sounds mighty impressive until you fry one of the speakers. Sorry boss.

A little tidbit of info; you're high frequency perception drops after every drink. After one of my boozin' and rockin' sessions, the volume always seems to be at 11 when I turn on the stereo the next day.

6. World's Loudest Beer Fart. 108dB @ 10 ft.

What self respecting beer drinker doesn't enjoy a good beer fart ? Most dudes take pride in their beer-farting prowess. They usually occur the next day. You may be at work or on a date, in either case you will try to hold it in. A quick trip to the car is always a good excuse to let one rip.

The best ones are the short-burst single-note variety. They are like a gun shot and just as loud. One of those even woke me up one night, after an evening of terminal lifestyle abuse. I was kinda broke and relegated to drinking cheap beer. All the better; the cheaper the beer, the higher the decibel count.

The louder they are the more satisfying they seem. I once let one rip in a parking lot next to an empty dumpster. The metal dumpster acted like an amphitheater and amplified the sound and generated low frequency harmonics. Some nearby cats fucked right off.

Ask not for whom the fart tolls, it tolls for thee.

7. Redneck Drinking. 110 dB @ 3 ft.

Rednecks seem to get louder and scarier the more they drink. I once went to a hot rod show in a small town in western Washington. This was the kind of town that had a pizza place that displayed bounced checks from various people who had bounced checks while buying pizza.

There two bars in the whole town, we went to what we thought was going to be the quieter of the two. There were two enormous rednecks sporting cowboy hats, and they were freakin' loud. Not the drunken lout kinda loud, but crazy mountain man loud.

I didn't feel like getting my ass whooped in some small town, miles away from any hospital, so we just left. Yikes !

8. Aa-oo ga Horn. 115 dB @ 10 ft.

I once mounted on of those aa-oo-ga horns on a bicycle. That freakin' thing was loud. It seemed to annoy a lot of people. Early one evening, I was rolling down a side street. Two cats were stupidly lying right in the middle of the road.

I let 'em have a blast of the horn and those fuckers jumped literally 6 feet straight up. I laughed so hard, that I fell off my bike.

I even made a dog pee right on the spot with that horn.

9. Tinkly Wind Chimes. 100dB @ 10 ft at the most annoying frequency possible.

I sincerely hope that the drug-addled muhfugger who invented wind chimes is roasting in hell. Of all the annoying sounds on this planet, this has to be the most annoying, psychosis inducing sound of them all.

With all the beeping devices that surround us today, that's saying a lot.

I live in a hood that has it's fair share of hippies. The real organic, leftoid deluded hippies. They all seem to own wind chimes. One close-by neighbor had some. They would drive me nutso every evening and, if it got really windy, drive me into a frenzy of cursing and anti-hippie tirades.

The only problem was that I could hear them, but I couldn't see the damn things. I would wander around the neighbourhood every evening with a flashlight in a futile attempt to locate them, but all to no avail. I would just leave in disgust and go to the local bar.

On one particularly windy evening, while those things were thrashing wildly in the wind, I manged to find them. I waited until it was late and sneaked onto the balcony where the offending noise makers were and put about 3 pounds of duct tape on those suckers. Never heard them again.

I also once stomped one of those musical Christmas wreaths.

10. Jerry The Cursing Parrot. 120 dB @ 3ft.

When I was a kid, my dad would take me to a coffee shop that had a pet parrot. Those critters crack me up and they can squawk louder than any other bird.

This particular parrot could curse a blue streak that would put even the saltiest sailor to shame.

Political correctness didn't exist in those day, so my dad was always more than willing to take me to the coffee shop when I asked to go see Jerry.

You would walk up to the cage ask Jerry how he was. " Caw! Fuck you fuckin' cocksucker! Squawk! Jerry wants a fuckin' cracker ! Caw! CAW!! FUCK YOU!! CAW! "

The expletive laden tirades would make me laugh until my sides hurt, and to this day I still think that cursing parrots are hilarious.

Hope you dig these crazy sounds. Enjoy.

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