Monday, January 18, 2010

Do Not Try This At Home.

Not realizing that my youth is long gone, I have been perceived to be a cranky old son of a bitch in some of my recent posts. I think that I have finally earned the right to be a curmudgeon and I like to observe the world around me.

I ain't that cranky, I see funny shit all around me every day, and of the funniest stuff I see is when I've had a few.

Being a true greaser at heart, I like to drink beer. It amuses me and makes a night on the town a whole lot of fun. I am usually a happy boozer, although I've been told by a friend of mine called Napalm Willie, that I sure do yak a lot when I'm drinking.

Booze is the social lubricant that makes the world go round. Apologies to my friends who are on the wagon , but I still like to partake in the ole alky-hol.

All those years of boozing have taught me a few things and I have observed many bad drinking episodes; some people just can't handle their booze. I have compiled a list of things you should not do when you have been drinking. Through years of careful research and astute observation, I have come to few conclusions. Just to make it more interesting, I am having a few beers as I write this; enjoy.

Shit you should not do when you have been drinking.

1. Try to explain music.

Some of the worst bar fights in history have started over musical discussions at a bar. They usually start deteriorating when the random stranger next to you at the bar states that " Jimi Hendrix was the best guitar player in the universe, man". Change the subject.

2. Sass a cop.

Trying to be a smart-ass to a cop is never a good idea, after 14 beers, it's a downright bad idea. I once went to a party that was two blocks from my place. A friend was walking me home, and I somehow ended up in handcuffs. I asked my buddy what happened the next day, and it turns out I was sassin' some cops. Bad idea.

3. Scare cats.

We may disagree, but cats are pretty stupid. I like scarin' the shit out of them when I'm drinking, cuz it makes me laugh until my sides hurt. You yell at 'em at they just fuck right off at light speed with a demented look of terror. They will whack into furniture and walls or jump 3 feet straight up. Not a good idea if you are trying to make points with the gal who owns said cat.

4. Big muhfuggers.

Like Mr. Miyagi once said, " when you know karate, someone always know more". No matter how tough you are, there always someone tougher. Your sense of scale is affected by drinking, so that dude givin' you the hairy eyeball is WAY bigger than you think. You will get your ass kicked, better shut your mouth.

5. Speaking of tough guy stuff, don't start shit you can't finish. Sure, some goof has challenged you, but you can't fight worth a shit when you're drunk. You can talk a lot of shit and the other guy is probably talking more shit. Offer to buy the guy a beer and the haze of anger over a forgotten transgression will evaporate, and you will have a new buddy and all your teeth next day.

6. Boobs and Newton's Law

Sir Isaac Newton stated that the gravitational attraction of two masses is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. When you are drinking, your brain shrinks, so the more you are drinking, the the bigger the boobs you will be attracted to. Your eyeballs are also masses, so the bigger the boobs, the more you will stare at them. When you reach critical mass, you will no longer look at the women's face and will address the boobs directly. An angry girlfriend nearby increases the gravitational pull, and the ensuing anger will result in a black hole of anger. Either way, you are in a planet sized doghouse.

7. Beer goggles

Oh yes, my young friends, you will one day understand the beer goggles.

8. Guitar.

Sure, when you were in your twenties, you could probably rock the house after 12 beers. maybe you rocked, maybe you didn't. It's nice to have a couple of drinks before a show. Like another friend of mine, Big Joe Burke, told me recently, 3 beers and a shot of whiskey before a show. Any more than that, you will be forgetting lyrics, generally fucking shit up, tripping on guitar cables and other embarrassing stuff. You ain't rockin'.

9. Public Transportation.

You think taking a bus is annoying when sober at the best of times? Don't do it when hammered. Drunken skanks, bus drivers yammering on cel phones, stinky bums mooching free rides and generally insane people, their annoyance factor will be greatly magnified by the influence of booze. Take a cab.

10. Taking a whiz in the alley.

Newton's law applies here as well. The more you drink, the more you need to go. Your chances of being nailed by a cop is directly proportional to how much you've had to drink.

11. Heavy machinery.

8 beers, 10,ooo RPM, bad combination.

12. Fixing shit.

That stereo you took apart ain't gonna be put together anytime soon. Metric to Imperial conversions ain't gonna work out so well. Those V-brakes on your bike aren't going to stop. Why is there duct tape everywhere?

13. Your mom calls.

It's almost impossible to fool your mom. You answer the phone and try to pretend that you haven't been drinking. Mom knows. It's best to just turn off your phone.

14. Words.

Never try to pronounce subterfuge after 10 beers.

15. Craigslist.

Craiglist is great for making a little bit of extra cash. You, unfortunately, have to deal with a lot of strange people coming over to your place. By the time they show up, you will have had a few beers. You will get low-balled and get embroiled into some inane discussion.

16. Junk food.

Never get the two burgers for 6 bucks at A&W. You will regret it.

17. Movies.

They never make any sense after a few beers.

18. Power tools.

Don't change the plug on your power tools. Electricity hurts like a son of a bitch.

19. Cursing.

You gotta love cursing, It adds emphasis, but too much cursing will make you sound like a lout.

20. Staggering.

At one point, you will eventually try to find your way home. You will sometimes be unable to find a cab or a bus. It will be a long walk home, but try to do it with dignity. You will probably end up in a bush, so try take side streets so that nobody you know will see you.

Hope that helps all my fellow alkies out there, and have a few drinks on me.