Sunday, January 10, 2010

Piss 'n' Vinegar

There is probably no such thing as an epiphany; One day you wake up, realize you're getting older and come the conclusion that you just ain't gonna take no bullshit, no more.

There are lots of folks out there that will constantly assail you with bullshit, but it turns out that you don't have to take it.

Unless somebody has a gun, handcuffs and the right to arrest, you can pretty much tell everybody else to fuck off if you feel like it. It may turn into a fist fight , and that's cool if you can handle it. However, when confronted by an angry greaser sporting a leather jacket, baring his fangs and frothing at the mouth, most people will back off.

Like I was told when I was a kid, " Son, if you can't take 'em, get a 2x4 and hit 'em with that."

Having made my choices decades ago, I feel no need to justify myself to people who somehow feel threatened because of their lack of understanding.

Here is a partial list of bullshit, a metaphorical 2x4 to the head if you will.

1. Musical Tastes:

Take a good look square, every pore oozes Rockabilly . What part of that don't you understand? That old standard line, " don't be so close minded" is usually uttered by people who know fuck all about music.

I have dedicated my life to music and the lifestyle that accompanies it. I have read many books and historical texts on the subject. I have delved into the past and am constantly discovering forgotten gems from the first half of the 20 th century.

A period in history that probably had the largest creative explosion in human history. The embryonic stages of jazz, the creation of the gramophone and related recording technology and the audiences that craved live music were all factors in this decisive stage in musical history.

So, I refuse to get embroiled into some inane discussion about music. There is such a thing as music that sucks. Most of it sucks, so if you like it therefore; You Suck !

If you suck, get the fuck away from me, because we have nothing to discuss. Go home and listen to your shitty classic rock, your ironic 80's music, your stupid " world music" that makes you feel oh-so-open minded, and whatever crap that you have downloaded and fuck off.

Maybe one day, you will listen to some Coltrane, Pete Johnson, Charlie Christian, Flaco Jiminez or Buck Owens and you may get it, until then don't ask me nothin'.

2. Hippie Crack.

Being a true greaser and quintessential Canadian, I drink beer. Copious quantities of beer. There's a hockey game on, get beer. To do any less would be unpatriotic.

Our glorious, beer fueled reveries are sometimes ( though not so much at rockabilly shows) interrupted by the noxious fumes of a joint being smoked near by.

A lot of people like to get fucked up, and that's cool. If you have been smoking hippie crack, just get the fuck away from me. Some of the most retarded shit I have heard was uttered by pot heads.

As beer drinkers, we don't have, nor do we require, a "culture". We do not require 4-20 days. We have 2 days; drinking days and hangover days.

We do not feel the need to go downtown and hold a massive protest. If you are squatting on the ground at a "smoke in", lighting a big joint in open defiance of the law and police presence, while wearing your newly acquired rasta hat, that does not make you a rebel; it makes you a fuckin' idiot.

We do not have beer martyrs. That piss-ante, lisping, self-righteous little bitch, Mark Emery can rot in a US jail and spend the next 20 years picking up the soap in the shower.

Gimme a beer, smoke that shit somewhere else and shut the fuck up. Nuff said.

3. Energy Vampires.

You know the ones; people that will assail you with a barrage of yammering. It don't matter drunk or sober, bullshit is bullshit. If someone is a fuckin' retard and drunk, you can at least chalk it up to the fact that they can't handle their booze. If they are sober and yammering at you , you have the right to tell them to get away from you immediately.

Nobody has the right to suck the energy right out of you, life is too short. Many times, they are random strangers in bars. They just wanna yammer at somebody, anybody. If you let that happen, that is akin to letting somebody shit on you. Don't take it. No need to be polite.

They will interrupt you as you are talking to your friends. Turning your back seems to have no effect. They only thing they seem to understand is "fuck off' . Don't be afraid to tell them.

In our all too polite Canadian society, we are only too willing to let people invade our personal space and lower our quality of life. Stand up and call 'em like you see 'em.

Some fuckers that need to be called out include people that cut in line, people that will cut you off while you are carrying heavy baggage, those damn lotto freaks at the 7-11, loud cel phone talkers, filthy crackheads that interrupt you and your friends cuz they want a quarter, annoying co-workers, stupid fucks having a pointless conversation with cashier at the liquor store, telemarketers, people that want to yammer at the DJ when he's working ( no , I ain't got no Chuck Berry), goddam conspiracy theorists, and anyone else who feels they that they can suck the life right out of you.

Here is a partial list of call 'em like you see' em. Use these on a daily basis and you will feel more focused and it will probably add ten years to your life.

1. It's a cat, it doesn't understand English. It doesn't even know it's own name. It's a fucking cat.

2. Sushi is raw fish. They didn't cook it. It's raw and it stinks. I ain't eating that.

3. I ain't goin'. Why? Because it sounds like a king sized drag.

4.Ironic Country music is stupid. If you can't play the real thing, fuck off.

5. If you keep track of celebrity feuds, you're an idiot.

6.You paid 200 bucks for a bottle of wine? That just makes you pretentious and 200 bucks poorer.

7. Walking is way too slow.

8.Greasers don't camp.

9.Camping? I ain't takin' no dump in the woods.

10. Men do not have a "feminine side". Fuck off. We have a sober side and a drunk side.

11.Ikea furniture is easier to assemble without the instructions.

12. If you neighbor decides to move in at 2 am , you have the right to yell at 'em and cuss 'em out.

13. If your room mate drinks your last beer you can call him a motherfucker.

14. Some people are too stupid to be scared.

15. I'm not opinionated, I know what I like. So what?

16.This music sucks.I mean it licks sack. I'm leavin'

17.Take your vibes and shove 'em up your ass.

18.If you're an anarchist, how come you got a job?

19. If you're a communist... Huh?

20.A lot of people think they're hardcore, very few are.

21.Hey Elvis? How original, I've never heard that one before.

22.Everyone thinks their car is cool, very few are.

23.If you stay on public transit long enough, you eventually end up in hell.

24.Public transit IS hell.

25.If you're a fashion victim, wearing a badge that says you're stupid is the same thing.

26.Being able to buy beer at the Chevron station is civilized.

27.Buying chicken wings at the 7-11; not so civilized.

28.There may not be a free ride, but if you are on the ball, you can always find free beer.

29.I don't jog because I keep spilling the ice cubes out of my drink

30. Unless you are racing in the Tour de France, spandex should be illegal.

31. Yeah I'm drunk, so what? Tomorrow I'll be sober , but you'll still be a retard.

32. Retard is a good word.

33.Almost forgot: hippies suck.

34. Did I mention that hippies suck?

35.Never had the urge to bust a move.

36. Do I have any pot? Sorry left it at home with my crack.

37.Nobody gives a shit about the close call you had in your car. We've all had 'em.

38. It was probably your fault.

39.If you flip the bird to somebody, be prepared to back it up.

40.Shit always happens in threes.

41.I never feel the need to spit.

42.Ain't you ever heard of spell check?

43.Wind chimes are for mental patients.

44. I don't care how many MP-3's you have.

45.Sure I'll help you move, where's the beer?

46. No such thing as one beer.

47.Sure I'll talk about my feelings. I feel that I require a beer.

48.Cops don't like greasers.

49.Greasers don't like hippies.

50 Rockabilly Rules.

Thanks for reading my Sunday morning tirade.


  1. Good as always Serge! Thanks for sharing!
    Steve K.

  2. almost as funny as that 'shit my dad says' stuff.