Sunday, July 18, 2010

More Greasy Dude Stuff.

I have previously discussed the various traits of rednecks in some previous posts. As I am surrounded by them on a daily basis, there is an endless supply of subject matter for future posts. While a bunch of dudes staggering down the street sporting Ed Hardy and spitting is amusing, I observe other men walking aimlessly about that are in dire need of a healthy supply of dude-ness.

Whether  arising from a slavish devotion to hipster culture or trying to emulate the ever growing trend of emasculation being churned out by Hollywood, I can't really be certain where this disturbing trend originated.

In the dichromatic world of rockabilly, bikers, and other similar sub-cultures, gender delineations are simple. A dude is a dude and that's about it. There is no need to swagger or posture, you know it and everybody else knows it.

There seems to be vast array of lost souls, disconnected from their roots. Living in an alternate reality, their perspective has skewed into an previously non-existent territory. Part geek, part man-child these errant sycophants have truly lost their way.

While any self-respecting dude's first reaction would be to kick these guys in the nuts to get the testosterone flowing again, I will instead, resist that urge and offer up some advice.

1. Threads.

Oh the simple life of a greaser, bunch o' black t-shirts, Levis, engineer boots and lots of metal shit hangin' off your belt.

Sniveling goof life; not so simple. During a recent visit to a friend's vintage clothting store, I noticed a youngish couple having some sort of dilemma about a jacket.

It turned out that they both wanted the jacket. They were the same size and the said jacket fit them both.

Their existential malaise made it difficult to come to a decision. After a half hour the dude decided to buy it and proudly declared "We're going to share it".

I felt a little bit of hurl streaming up my esophagus. My buddy didn't flinch because he wanted to make the sale.

Does this really need explaining? Dude! You can't share clothes with your girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you?

2. More Threads.

Your average dude is like a big docile dog. Just give him food and a pat on the head ( figuratively speaking of course, it's real bad idea patting a greaser on the head) and he'll be happy. Poke him in the eye enough times, however , and he will bite you.

There are a few affronts to visual aesthetics that will make a dude get mad. I am talking, of course, about Capri pants for men.

Does this also need an in depth explanation? This the visual equivalent of repeated pokes in the eye.

To make matters even more ridiculous, some hipsters have taken to complimenting said Capri pants with dress shoes sans-socks.

Forgetting for a moment the odoriferous images that may evoke, that is the equivalent putting a dress on a hog.

You're scaring small children, now stop it.

3. Hipsters.

I have covered hipsters numerous times in previous posts, so suffice it to say that everyone wants to punch you.

Hipsters go for the maximum annoyance factor, and always look around to make sure they have been provocative enough to get some sort of response. They will whistle tunelessly, in case you haven't acknowledged them.

Yeah, yeah we noticed your big dumb white cartoon glasses and saggy wool caps.  Shouldn't you be attending an ironic mustache  contest somewhere?

Now get on your dumb fixie bicycle , it's Friday and critical mass is riding.

The only redeeming factor about hipsters is that in about twenty years they will make a bunch of doctors rich because their knees will be shot from riding those fixies and their uber-tight jeans have cut off all circulation to their 'nads.


Before I go on, I don't wanna hear a bunch of diatribes from all the animal activists out there. I like all critters and don't have problem with cats per se.

Single men just shouldn't own cats. It's as simple as that. It just seems a little deranged, even more so if the dude wants to tell you about the antics of his cat.

I've got news for you; your cat wants to kill you. Have you ever had a staring contest with a dog? You will probably win, the dog will concede with a guttural half-bark and slink away with his head bowed.

A staring contest with a cat is a losing proposition. The cat will keep staring, looking more and more demonic and that cat is thinking to itself " I will kill you in your sleep."

5.Don't Be a Whiner.

Unless you are six, don't whine. Nothing evokes that fingernails on a blackboard response like a big six foot dude whining in public. There is a long line up at the Starbuck's and they gave your latte to someone else? Life is unfair at times.

That poor sum' bitch behind the counter is probably making minimum wage, and most likely doesn't give a shit about your self entitled attitude. He's just gonna spit in your coffee anyway.

Stop telling people what to do. What does it matter if someone is riding a bike on the sidewalk without a helmet? He's probably a psycho to begin with and your shrill self righteousness may result in you being told to fuck off and your subsequent indignant reaction may result in receiving three pounds of kryptonite to the head.

If your neighbor needs a hand hauling a piece of furniture up the stairs , don't piss and moan and attempt come up with implausible excuses. Be a dude. It will only be a sixty second struggle, and, being a real dude, your neighbor is sure to give you a beer once the ordeal is over.

Here's a few more random tips to put you  on the road to Dudesville.

1. Get hammered on whiskey at least once. Yeah, you're gonna puke but the experience will be well worth it.

2. Don't walk around in public with your pajama bottoms, it makes you look like an escaped mental patient.

3. Turn that damned collar down!

4. The words..... Jeez I can barely bring myslef to type them ..."Lady Gaga" should never, ever come out of your mouth.

5. Don't take shit from small appliances, smash those fuckers with a 16 oz. ball peen hammer.

6.Have a cigar, this will also make you puke, but you will look cool while you're doing it.

7.  It's OK to scratch your balls in public. Go ahead, it's a primitive male urge and quite normal.

8. If you see a gal in a low cut dress with a nice rack, make sure you are wearing shades.

9. You know those big plastic containers of salad at the supermarket? Yeah..I thought so. Do not buy those.

10. That there car over there isn't " cute". it cool. Say it along with me now. "Koo-ool".

11. Fudge, shoot, etc. Just shut up right now. It's fuck and shit. Practice in front of the mirror until you are able to say these words assertively and with conviction.

12. When a loud Harley rolls by, don't cover your ears. Remember: "Koo-ool."

13. Is that a man-purse you got there? Those two words should never be sequential.

14. Go downtown and pick a fight. At least once in your life you have to know what a punch in the mouth feels like.

15. Inhaling three molecules of cigarette smoke ain't gonna kill you, stop being so dramatic.

16. Socks and sandals. see American Psychiatry Association; Definition of mental disorders.

17. Beer: good. Fruit flavored alcoholic beverages: not so good.

18. Speaking of beer, the quintessential rule of dudes everywhere, never take a dude's last beer.

19. Go listen to some bagpipes sometime. It takes a real, true dude to wear a kilt and be able to look mean.

20. Listen to some greasy rock'n'roll and turn it loud.

That is all.