Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Few More Tips For The Dude-less

One of the earliest affronts to dude-ism was in the 1700's during the reign of Louis XV. With frilly robes, wigs and even make-up, it remains a frightening image and can induce vomiting in some dudes.

I am not a dude, you foolish commoner.
Not being a dude, he apparently has no qualms about wearing nylons either, I guess chicks in those days seemed to dig that look because it seems that the grand fromage had more than a few mistresses. There was one aberration in all this dude-less mayhem and that was Madame de Pompadour, his main squeeze. In a strange twist of fate, she left a lasting legacy which was the hairstyle that was her name sake. Now you know where the pomp came from. There is no lack of irony that a cool haircut is named after a woman, because judging from the king's over the top accouterments, there wasn't a dude around for the better part of the 1700's.

Dig that crazy hair!
If we jump ahead 250 plus years it seems that we are in the midst of yet another full on assault on the very essence of dude-ism and the chief culprits are those denizens of the inner city known as hipsters.

About three years ago, I thought that the hipster movement would eventually dissipate. It turns out that I was wrong and if anything, there are more of them now and there are no signs that that will change anytime soon. I don't necessarily want to launch into an anti-hipster tirade; there are no shortages of those online, but it is a social phenomenon that requires attention.

Where or how this movement began is a mystery to me. Suffice it to say that they can be found in every major city and are probably the single largest threat to dudeism. They are not the only threat; media has contributed to  the demise of dudeism in no uncertain terms, but dammit, they aren't helping.

I have observed that a certain effeminate demeanor seems de rigeur amongst these cool-impaired aloof individuals. They seemed to have adopted their own way of speaking and it sounds like the argot favored by valley girls in the 80's. It's rapid-fire whiny tone is interspersed with texting colloquialisms and to put it bluntly; is annoying as fuck. Maybe their extremely tight jeans are cutting off circulation to their male anatomy and is changing the frequency of their voices. In reality, I have a strong suspicion that it is merely an affectation and they are oblivious to the fact that it makes them sound retarded. This is even more annoying than white boys from the 'burbs calling each other " dawg".

Hipsters seem to have amalgamated more annoying traits than most groups, but they aren't the only dude-less and clueless people out there. Here's a few random observations.

1. The deep cut v-neck shirt.

This form of attire is favored by hipsters, and the rattier it is, the better and is often home-made by the looks of it. Not a whole lot of people want to see this. It is often complemented by intricate chest tattoos of the kind usually favored by burlesque dancers. This particular variety of hipster can often be found slinging espresso at a local trendy coffee shop sneering with contempt at customers as he proudly displays his skinny-ass chest with a deep cut shirt. Don't ask why I was there, suffice it to say that I want to punch him right in the chest. Don't be a fool, do not buy this shirt.

2. Who cuts your hair?

There is no shortage of bad haircuts out there, but the hipsters are the worst offenders. A friend of mine recently observed that the various hipster hair styles have melded into one all purpose hipster haircut: The Hitler youth cut. Hey, if you want to look like you should be wearing a brown shirt and goose-stepping down Main Street, that's your business, but everyone is making fun of you, fool.

3.Walking Stick.

I saw this with my own eyes; a rake-thin 6 foot 4 hipster sporting a walking stick. Who the fuck walks around with a walking stick? I've seen yuppies engaging in a particularly idiotic activity called urban poling. They walk down the street with what resembles ski-poles and seem to take it very seriously. That is annoying but understandable, as yuppies are quick to embrace the latest ridiculous trend, but a walking stick is hard to fathom. I heard a little voice in my that had a British accent say,"Release the hounds, the race is afoot!"

4. Crocs.

I think everyone is familiar with these brightly colored large clumps of recycled rubber that pass for shoes. These are not shoes and wearing them in public is analogous to wearing a badge that says you are insane and cannot be trusted with even the simplest of responsibilities. It also says to the world that you have simply given up. I can imagine the scenario when the designers of these monstrosities came up with the idea. It goes without saying that there were a lot of drugs involved and possibly some sort of industrial accident as well. Confronted with a smoldering pile of of multicolored rubber, the head hippie was sure to have said something like, " Hey man, let's make some shoes man!" What evil marketing genius brought them to market is unknown to me, but what possesses some guy to actively search these out and buy them is beyond comprehension.  Wear Crocs, go to jail!

5. Kwitchyerwhinin.

Some people like to whine. That doesn't accomplish anything because that's just the way things are. Yes some people will screw you, or maybe your boss is a demented megalomaniac, or maybe the people next door are dangerous retards; you have to understand that it ain't gonna change. One thing you can do is rectify this by acting completely deranged. The dude who owes you money will fear for his life and pay up, your boss will give you an extended medical leave and those dudes next door will move. Or you can just drink a shitload of beers. Speaking of beers, it's not a good idea to complain about the taste of beer if it's free. The best beer is free beer, so party on dudes! Also don't complain about your computer because, yes, Microsoft actually is out to get you.

6. Don't cross your legs: it makes you look pretentious and weird.

7. If you drop something, crouch to pick it up. If you bend over, you're just asking for a kick in the ass.

8. If I'm ignoring you, well, I'm ignoring you, keep walkin'.

9. Repeat after me; Shower, shave, Mennen Speed Stick, repeat as necessary.

10. Dudes don't mess around with ukuleles.

11. Vinyl is dead;get over it.

12. No, I don't have spare change, spare cigarettes or spare beer; I need them all.

13. There are no conspiracies, in reality everybody wants your money, Simple.

14. Only hobos and deranged bums shoot snot rockets on the sidewalk.

15.Klingons are not real, Star Trek as a metaphor for life is a sign of latent geek-ism.

16. Bounty makes your pants smell funny.

17. Don't be a douchebag; pay cash for your coffee, don't fumble around with a debit card.

18.Yeah that taco is hot, it ain't gonna kill you.

19. As I have stated repeatedly: No one, and I mean no one, wants to see man-toes. Get some proper shoes fool!

20.I've recently seen some postings on Facebook that were strangely prophetic: If you don't like Rockabilly , you're doing it wrong.

21. A single man with cats leaves me pondering the stability of that person. It's one thing to be a cool cat, it's an entirely different thing to live vicariously through cats.

22. Learn how to play in B flat, it will challenge your brain.

23. Play with kats that are way more talented than you; humility is not a bad thing.

24. If a bro is havin' a hard time, while fixing something, either shut up, hand him a tool or hand him a beer.

25. Remember; dudes never run out of beer.

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