Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Monkey Speaks His Mind

It has been scientifically proven that chimpanzees share 98% of their DNA with us. While highly intelligent, chimps have their limitations. Some freakos even like to dress some poor unsuspecting chimp in people clothes in a misguided ( and possibly drug influenced) attempt at anthropomorphizing these critters.

Who doesn't love monkeys though? Their antics at the zoo or on talk shows are always highly entertaining. People will bring their kids to the zoo and point at the monkeys all the while thinking "stupid monkeys". These people are subconsciously smug about the innate superiority of the human race over our simian cousins. Casual observation of people in general over the years causes me to question this genetic superiority. As I observe certain behavior, I often ask myself what differentiates some people from monkeys. Armed with  superior intellect and opposable thumbs, some people partake in activities that seem to require no more than the intellect of a monkey. Let me elaborate.

1. Bongos and Drum Circles.

Not everyone is endowed with the gift of natural rhythm but that doesn't stop hippies and various other freaks from bangin' on bongos. As I have stated on many occasions, they seem to naturally gravitate to these instruments because no training whatsoever is required to play them. They are only too happy to indulge in this arrhythmic cacophony for hours on end, and are rarely able to duplicate the same beat. Chimps are often seen doing the very same thing. They will bang on logs as they sit in a circle and happily shriek. They are just as hairy as your average hippie and have roughly the same amount of fleas on their bodies. The chimps have at least enough sense to groom each other and pick the fleas out and they never mooch bananas from other chimps; they get their own damn bananas.

2. Chimp-mobile.

Years ago, circuses used to train chimps to drive around little tiny cars. They would ram into to each and shriek at the other chimps. They would sometimes eat bananas as they drove, which would subsequently cause even more crashes and shrieking. Sometimes the cars would flip over but the chimps didn't know what to do . Sometimes one chimp-mobile would roll right over top another one right over the other chimp's head. More shrieking would ensue and sometimes a vicious monkey brawl would break out. Then the clowns with the enormous feet would have to step in to break it up. Now substitute banana for cel phone. That is how a lot of humans drive.

3. Incoming !

Monkeys don't take shit. They just toss it. When they are tired of spectators gawking at them at the zoo, they will just toss a big hunk of their own feces,  everybody gets grossed out and promptly leaves. Problem solved, now the monkey can get some peace and quiet,  Even in the jungle, when other monkeys start getting on one particular monkey's nerves, he will toss shit at them and they will stop bothering him.

Humans, civilized as they are, do not go around tossing shit. Instead they go about talking shit. In my previous post post, I discussed the energy sucking vampires that assault you with a verbal barrage of shit. That's pretty shitty, but it gets worst. Some humans love to talk about how great they are. Others like to drop names or exotic locations that they have visited. Others love to overindulge in conspiracy theories. They are all talking shit and are also full of shit. I sometimes wish I was more like a monkey and could throw my own feces at these shit talkin' retards. Problem solved.

4.Downtown Saturday Night.

It's Saturday night and as the sun goes down, there are the sounds of drums beating in the distance. There is shrieking and chest pounding. There is the ingestion of fermented bananas and subsequent vomiting. Many monkey-fights erupt , sometimes causing fur to fly. There is wanton peeing in all the dark corners and sometimes even fornication. Much bigger monkeys are called in to quell the mayhem. An average Saturday night in the Jungle. No, just an average Saturday night downtown in the club district.

This city's administration, in their infinite wisdom, decide to create a so-called " entertainment zone" downtown where all the clubs are jammed together in a five block strip. The ensuing mayhem that I have described is what happens on any given weekend. When the clubs close and all the drunken clubbers pour out into the streets simultaneously. It's less like a chimp argument and more like a brawl in a large baboon community. Some of the female baboons even expose their ass. The only difference is that baboons don't drink booze and the humans have nicer shirts. Baboons have an alpha male and he usually puts an end to it all with a lot of biting and hitting with a large branch. We have cops and paddy wagons, which usually fixes the situation. Until next Saturday.

5. The Night Bus.

This loser cruiser is one of the craziest and sometimes most dangerous rides around. It scoops up all the left over drunks from downtown and skid row and crams them all together on one bus. Picture , if you will, cramming 150 chimps in a rolling box and shutting the door. The lurching motion of the bus would jostle the monkeys around until they reached a state of frenzy and started gouging each others eyes out. The shrieking could be heard for miles around as the monkeys get more and more agitated. Being monkeys, they don't know where they are or what their stop is and will just stay on the bus until some other monkey throws them off the bus.

Sometimes the big monkey driving the bus will just leave it at the bus stop and run away. The monkeys will be confused and wonder why the box has stopped moving, until it dawns on them that they will have to walk.The stagger off the bus still not knowing where they are and wander off into the night. Moral of the story: always have twenty bucks for a cab.

6. The Famous Monkey.

I am fairly certain that monkeys don't have celebrities or teen idols, just big ass monkeys that can kick other monkey's assess and that's about it. If they did have a famous monkey teen idol , I can guarantee that his monkey fans would be a lot more civilized and way quieter than a bunch of teenage girls heading to Justin Bieber concert. I experienced that first hand a while ago, and I was scared.

7.  The Sale.

I was once hired as a bouncer on Boxing day in a clothing store that catered to fashion victims.  Once the doors were flung open it was a truly frightening sight as people tore through the piles of clothing and tossed them about. Monkeys don't have behavior that even closely resembles what I saw that day. It seemed more like what would happen if a monkey fell into a river infested with piranhas. He would be ripped to shreds in a matter of seconds, leaving behind nothing but bones.

Pretty sure monkeys wouldn't wait outside Future Shop in the cold for 24 hours to save 50 bucks on plasma tv on Boxing day either.

8. Monkey See Monkey Do.

All chimps are pretty much the same. They don't seem to know the difference, nor do they care.It's just a good way for them to know the difference between themselves and,say, an orangutan. This avoids embarrassing encounters or getting hit in the head with a coconut.

Hipsters, on the other hands don't have an excuse. They think of themselves as so individualistic, yet they all look exactly alike. This what makes them easy to identify and almost begs our contempt. With their ridiculous ironic mustaches, cartoon sunglasses and demented fixie bikes they seem oblivious to the fact that they are perceived as idiots.

They are fond of throwing parties and cramming 100 people into their tiny basement suites. The noise levels rise as they try to outdo each other in pretentious pronouncements. Around midnite, after the many cans of PBR kick in, the very loud hipster party sounds like a bunch of hyenas misquoting Charles Bukowski with a nasal intonation and slight lisp.

Even monkeys have more sense.

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