Monday, September 19, 2011

A Punch In The Face

Whut r you lookin' at?
I think that most dudes reading this have, at one time or another, been on the receiving end of a punch in the face ( hey, maybe even some tough chicks have as well). Some of them hurt more than others depending on the assailant's skill, level of inebriation or just plain luck. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but either way you have defended yourself.

It seems to me that there are aural, visual and olfactory equivalents to a punch in the face and there seems to be very little that we can do about it. Even an actual punch in the face wouldn't solve the problem. These all too common assaults on the senses are virtually everywhere and it takes a lot of tact and social skill to avoid confrontation. Here's an overview.

1. Man Toes.

Nobody in the history of civilization ever needed to look at a man's toes. Ever. When I see dudes walking around in public wearing flip flops, other than the fact that I throw up in my mouth a little, it has the same effect as a punch in the face, except it's in my eyeballs.

Too make this visual assault even more ridiculous, some dudes sport their flip flops during winter in this town. Not unlike a car crash or a puddle of puke on the sidewalk, we are somehow compelled to look at this abomination. Sandals with socks are the equivalent of a sucker punch; it doesn't hurt as much, but it pisses you off way more. Men! Get shoes!

2. Too Much Perfume.

Even though this mainly applies to women, some dudes are guilty of the same. This often found in office environments or lingering for hours in elevators. I wonder what motivates someone to completely douse themselves with (sometimes very expensive) perfume. Those who have experienced this first hand will now what I mean. It usually hits you about 60 seconds after the person has walked by. You can almost physically sense the wafting saccharine wave as it overwhelms your nose and goes straight to your brain. In my case, it produces anger. The difference with a punch in the face is that it only hurts for a few seconds, the perfume barrage is the pain that keeps on giving.

I also find it hard to look these people straight in the eye, because I cannot take them seriously. Common sense seems to elude them, as well as the fact that so much excessive odor is exactly the same as smelling a steaming pile of shit.

The same applies to hippie morons who douse themselves with patchouli oil. This is even more offensive, because they are doing it in some misguided attempt at making a statement. Since hippies have no jobs, they will rarely be found in office towers, so you are safe as long as you are downwind.

3. Shut up. Shut up right now.

There are many people out there too willing to talk their fool heads off and subsequently your ears. It seems that the stupider or crazier that they are, the more nonsense they are able to spout. Not to over- employ scatological references, but this is less like a punch in the face and more like a big pile of shit thrown at your face.

Yet another personality type oblivious to their own demeanor and  surroundings, these froot loops have the ability to yak away for hours on end, in what sometimes feels like one long run-on sentence.

They are clueless to body language and fail to see when the urge to punch them in the face arises from the person that they confronting. I suspect that they would keep yakking though.

I build custom bicycles for fun, then I like to ride them and drink beer, ride some more and have more beer. I like to chill by the water, but it rarely happens because every two-wheeled nutbar automatically assumes that there is some sort of tacit kinship between us. They usually know fuck all about bikes, but are content to blather incessantly. They ask questions but rarely want to hear the answer. Like all other wackos, the basic principles of physics is beyond their grasp, and explanations of basic geometry just wither in the wind. There has to be pot linked to this somehow.

The same applies to my musician friends who always have an endless parade of music freako-s and self-proclaimed musical "experts" following them around. They yak, yammer, spaz out and sometimes inadvertently spit in the faces of the musicians that they are harassing. They pretty much do everything, except actually listen to music.

4. Bad Music.

Being subject to music that you don't want to hear, or worse, shitty music, is the aural equivalent of a punch in the face. It's funny that way, when you are checking out a band that you really like or cranking your stereo at home, it's never loud enough. Some shitty busker with a 10 watt pignose amp is pure torture.

Sometimes the visual combination can be even worse. Being forced to endure some ineptly played hippie music is bad enough, but having to watch these idiots do it is unendurable. The ratty sweaters and twenty scarves that are worn with arch-significance and the smug expressions meant to convey that they are playing something "meaningful, man" really do feel like a punch in the face.

Poetry slams. Now poetry slams really make me mad. Any mediocre pot-addled idiot who can say random words interlaced with grunts into a microphone thinks of his or herself as a true poet. The truth of the matter is that poetry slams aren't really a simile for a punch in the face; They are much close to what a kick in the balls feels like.

5. Computers.

I am obviously not averse to computers per se, I am using one right now. I am using a Mac which makes things a lot less frustrating, but it is still a challenge. People like myself who are from the analog era find trying to do anything but the most basic tasks challenging to say the least. If you happen to be using a PC then the problems that can arise multiply tenfold. Things inexplicably freeze up, stuff is incompatible with other stuff, and attempting to do something as simple as looking at pictures can be more daunting than reading assembly instructions that were  translated verbatim from a foreign language.

Every frustrating experience on a computer is a punch in the face, and as I have found out through empirical research, computers are themselves impervious to punches. We are inextricably linked with computers forever, so it looks like I will be getting several punches in the face every single day.

6. Hot Sauce.

I love hot sauce, the hotter the better. I often wonder why I do this to myself, I can't help it. Yeah sure, it feels like a punch in the face, but it's as if it was a really hot naked woman doing the punching. It only hurts a little, but it was worth it.

7. Bagpipes.

I love the sound of bagpipes. I don't have a drop of Scottish blood in me, but their tone is something that I enjoy immensely, so much so that I often attend Highland games. What I really enjoy though, is watching the reactions of people who don't like bagpipes (which is most people). It literally looks like they have just received a punch in the face, been bitten by a pit bull, are constipated or all three. Hi-larious.

8.My Hair.

To a greaser, the ultimate insult is some drunken fool attempting to touch his hair. This is often attempted by drunken cougars for some inexplicable reason. I'm not sure what they think they will accomplish or what information they will garner from this futile act, but rest assured; for a greaser, that is the ultimate punch in the face.

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