Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Rebels.

Rebelliousness is an elusive character trait that is difficult to define. Many people fondly think of themselves as rebels, perhaps as a result of taking in too many Hollywood stereotypes. The true rebel is by nature a complete non-conformist with heteroclitic tendencies. There is, however, there is a fine line between being a rebel and being a sociopath. The rebel just wants to avoid ending up in jail.

Being an eternal rebel is a continuous struggle against the restrictive views of what is commonly called acceptable behavior. That oppressive societal force that urges the masses to conform, with the accompanying sartorial standards and dogmatic ideals that it presents. This results, for the most part, in being misunderstood by the general populace and sometimes, chronic unemployment.

The very nature of being told what to do is odious to the rebel, and therein lies the problem; this the absolute definition of being employed. To add insult to injury, in many cases, the person doing the telling is of inferior intellect.

Many rebels naturally gravitate to rockabilly. It is often an atavistic attraction, the rebel does not deliberately enter into into this world. The music is usually the catalyst. Rockabilly was the first rock 'n' roll. The purest form of rock 'n' roll, as it never went anywhere. The Neo-revivalvist movement of the last two decades has breathed new life into it, and the references of an era that was seen as a simple time and a time where the epitome of 20 th century rebelliousness was still in its embryonic phase.

Along with the music, the rockabillies embrace all the truly iconic imagery of that seminal era. The arch-significance of the Perfecto jacket, cuffed jeans, engineer boots, and the greasy pomp are immediately recognizable by a vast majority of people, and evoke those images that correlate to rebelliousness in no uncertain terms.

The cars have the same powerful allegorical imagery. The mid-twentieth century was a time when automobile design was at its apex. Even though the designers did not know it at the time, they were creating classics, masterpieces for the ages that will endure and transcend all other designs.

This by no means an affectation, rockabillies are usually in it for the long haul. It not meant as an intentional way of standing apart, or a statement of any kind.  It is the love of the music and being with like minded people that has created this extended family.

Now that you know why we are all greasy, let me tell you about some people who absolutely think of themselves as rebels. Like the greasers, they all seem to have a particular way of dressing. This is unavoidable, as society judges all its members by the way they are dressed. Think of the pervasive suit and tie and the connotations that they have. Just reading it here evokes a certain image of what mindset that suit wearing dude has and the conservative way of thinking that he may possess. Here's few groups of misguided people who think they are rebels but are, what is commonly referred to, as assholes.

1. Sparkly Louts.

Odious as these UFC loving buttheads may be, they scare me. Their propensity for violence is only bolstered by their dangerously low IQ. The growing popularity of UFC has made them congregate in bars. Sporting Tap-Out, Affliction, Ed Hardy or a combination of all three, these sometimes very large barbarians sparkle like an Indian delivery truck. This is what makes it even more amusing; Sparkly glittery shit and acting tough seem to be diametrically opposed, yet the irony is lost on them.

Their asocial behavior borders on the sociopathic, and even more so when they have just watched a so-called fight on the big screen fueled by crappy beer. It's also very amusing that the obvious homo-erotic imagery of UFC is completely lost on them.

2.Hipster/Scenster Douchebags.

I am not sure what ever gave rise to this now ubiquitous phenomenon. This group is slightly perplexing. Lacking any particular musical genre to call their own, the gravitate from scene to scene, trying very hard to look disinterested. They seemed to have haphazardly commandeered style cues  from many different places. They themselves cannot tell whether they are lumberjacks, turn of the century pugilists, grunge rockers, British archeology professors, or bikers.

Their entire culture seems to be intentionally geared towards lack of content and vapid imagery. Some have taken to riding custom motorcycles that are an amalgam of many styles with the end result being a franken-bike that serves no purpose.

Sporting their mac jackets, huge beards, ironic mustaches and skinny jeans they are known to take over entire neighborhoods. The emerged out of nowhere like mushrooms ( mushrooms do need shit to grow, though) and hopefully will disappear one day in the same manner. Some of the more brazen ones take the annoyance factor to a new level as they sport glasses without lenses and whistle loudly on the street as they cast side long glances at you to see if they have gotten a rise. Through interaction with friends and personal observation, I have concluded that hipsters are rapidly becoming one of the most universally despised groups. Some dudes I know get furious at the mere mention of this societal equivalent of ass-cancer, and there are stories of beatings.

3. Bike Couriers.

These deluded souls see themselves as some sort of urban warriors, when in fact they are just shit disturbers of the tallest order.  Fueled by their resentment at not being able to pass driver's test due to their complete inability to drive a car, they will take it out on people who drive cars.

All large urban centers have them. Like large, disheveled cockroaches, they weave in and out of traffic, reveling in the mayhem that they have just caused. They have just stuck it to the man, and are self righteous about the fact that they did it on a bicycle. The ironic part, is that very few of them know the first thing about bikes or how fix them. Their lack of any rudimentary skills, even something as simple as fixing a flat tire on a bike, guarantees that will be biking for a very long time, as will their lack of even the most basic social skills.

They fondly think that they have their own culture. Many have taken to living in so-called courier houses and some are even in courier bands. Their questionable hygiene and very specific courier "uniform" makes them think that they are oh so rebellious. To most people though, they are just the stinky psycho that delivers packages to their office.

4. Hippies ( Yeah, them again).

I have ranted about hippies many times, but no list about faux-rebels would be complete without them. No one group tries so hard to contrive outfits to look like they haven't been contrived. Like other sub-genres, they have no  specific musical style to call their own, but will listen to anything that is really bad. They will seek out this bad music and earnestly sit there as some hippie singer fumbles through a few chords and sometimes drops his guitar.

Their adherence to left wing values that are usually manipulated and interpreted to suit their narrow mindedness is their stock in trade. Mixed with a little eastern mysticism, song lyrics from the sixties, communism, new-age pseudo science and any other bullshit that may come along, their credo is hollow. Most of those beliefs are embraced simply as a way of setting themselves apart, and to detach themselves from mainstream society. These pot-addled fools will gladly spend their entire paycheck on organic food and hemp clothing, too baked to realize that have been completely duped by some of the best capitalist marketing.

Hippies love protests, but rarely know what they are protesting for. I think that they simply join protests to piss off people that aren't in them. Case in point is that rolling hippie-fest called critical mass. This is the epitome of self-entitlement ( yeah, yeah, I know I've mentioned this before). The part that most people don't know about, is when that ride ends, the real hippie-shenanigans begin. They all end up in some bar that features all manners of bad entertainment. The shittier, most out of tune and absurd it is, the more they like it. Bad music, prerequisite hand drum playing, the odd didgeridoo, choreographed bike operas, and usually one or two topless hippie chicks dancing to a lone viola player. It's all there. If I were to sum up hippies in one word, it would be 'cliche'.

There you have it, a cross section of rebel wannabes. I will leave you with a few useful tips whether you are a rebel or not. Don't ever get a tattoo where a judge can see it, don't make eye contact with cops, it only makes them mad, mind your own business and always be true to yourself.



  1. The essays on this blog are pretty much the best I have read anywhere. I am sitting here nodding in agreement on all of them and laughing over great phrases like "loser cruiser" and "talent plus integrity equals poverty." Fabulous!