Wednesday, December 12, 2012

You Might Be a Hippie If....

The reality of living in a large urban centre is that encounters with various unsavory types is inevitable. The most unsavory of them all are hippies and there is no shortage of them and they come in all shapes, sizes and age groups. Some might argue that our cities are overrun by ever proliferating gangs of roving hipsters. I can say with no small amount of uncertainty that hipsters annoy the fuck out of me as much as hippies, but hippies are far more insidious.

Hipsters do have certain useful purpose in modern society. That triple-latte mocha ain't gonna serve itself down at the trendy coffee shop. An army of aspiring tattoo-artists are able to perfect their technique by practicing their art on all those ratty tattoos that hipsters seem to have a penchant for. They contribute to to the economic health of the bicycle industry. If not for hipsters, there would be millions of fixed-gear bicycle gathering dust in a warehouse somewhere on the outskirts of Portland. They also help to save the environment because those real skinny jeans only take up have the material of regular jeans. The skinny jeans also squeeze their bags so hard that they'll never be able to procreate, thereby helping over-population. That said, it doesn't seem that hipsters are going away anytime soon, That's fine by me, I mean, it is so gratifying to make fun of them and feel smug. Hippies on the other hand, not so much fun. Their shrill, humorless and self-righteous demeanor is hard to avoid and confrontations are inevitable.

It is perplexing to comprehend the reasons why someone would consciously choose to become a hippie. Sigmund Freud might have had a field day trying to analyze this. I won't indulge in psycho-babble, but suffice it to say that they are indeed among us. The one thing we all have to ponder is; you might be a hippie if.....

You might be a hippie if.....

I'm, like, an artist, man!
you think that riding around a VW bus is a good idea. Youngish hippies, in a possible attempt to emulate the smelly generation that preceded them, have a propensity for riding around in one of these shitboxes. The absolute cliche seems to completely elude them. No VW bus would be complete without bad art. Hippies love bad art, mainly because they are incapable of producing anything else. They ride to and fro to various demonstrations whose sole purpose is to annoy people that aren't demonstrating. They will pile more hippies into that scheisse-wagen than the average clown car. What is really amusing is the ultimate irony of owning this vehicle. The under-powered air-cooled engine in these things lack any type of emissions control. No catalytic converter, no nothing. A trip to the local organic market spews more toxic fumes than 200 two-stroke chainsaws. I guess they are too dumb to realize that as they drove this monstrosity to a go-green-enviro-whale-baby-seal-meat-is-murder rally, they most likely killed three trees on the way there. Matter of fact is they probably stole the gas because they gave all their cash to the local pot dealer.

You might be a hippie if......

you think that riding a tall bike is a good idea. I seem to remember some book learning that I did in high school about a dude called Archimedes and some basic mathematical principles. They higher up you go the more you're gonna bust your dumb dreadlock-clad fucking stupid head wide open. This requires very little engineering know-how. Years ago some pot-addled hippies had a flash and came up with the half-baked (as it were) idea of stacking two bikes one atop another. The still haven't followed through the most basic design flaw:how to stop this ridiculous contraption. Lacking any type of good taste or modicum of coolness, it never occurred to the hippies that welding two bikes end to end and making it nice and low would make more sense. Bad taste knows no bounds and hippies can't weld anyway.

You might be a hippie if......

you look forward to 4-20 day. For those of you who are not familiar 420 is the hippie-code word for hippie-crack, in other words, marijuana. So, with that reasoning, every April 20 th, thousands of them gather in a public space to wreak havoc and smoke enormous joints while taunting cops that are trying to keep public peace. The cops are really there to keep those dumb stoners from walking directly into the path of oncoming buses. 4-20 day often falls on a weekday which makes one wonder if any of these cretins are employed. Maybe they just got the day off from their jobs at the local raw food emporium where they work as seed squashers. I guess they need a minimum wage job to buy more pot and magazines instructing them how to grow even more pot. Strangely enough, beer drinkers are never compelled to engage in public demonstrations and indulge in anarchist (and vaguely commie) behaviour. I guess we're too busy having a good time in a bar, digging a cool band or maybe actually welding something useful.

You might be a hippie if.......

You like living on some forsaken, remote island without even the most basic of amenities. There are many islands in this part of the world and many are inhabited. The one circled in red takes hippie weirdness to whole new level. The island has no roads, no electricity, no sewage system, no nothing. There is, however, no shortage of freaks, self-proclaimed eccentrics, talentless artists and an inordinate amount of philosophers. From some inexplicable reason they have a website. This website seems to celebrate the weirdo lifestyle and seems to focus on scatological aspects. There is a whole section ( I kid you not) about exactly how to go about taking a poop on that island. Judging from the third-world sanitary arrangements, one can safely deduce that nobody over there is using toilet paper. (you're most definitely a hippie if you eschew toilet paper). How these people came to live on this island is a mystery to me, but I am convinced that I would never want to go there. It would be like a hippie nuclear blast.

You might be a hippie if......

You like oddball percussion instruments. I have gone off many times in the past about drum circles and how annoying and disruptive they can be. I will leave it that. Still, strange bongos and hippies go together like flies and dog shit. Not that the hippies have any rhythm to begin with, but they try to avoid 4/4 time at all costs, thus adding to cacophony even more. When I hear drum circles, I get the urge to smack them on the head with a sitar; now that would be an interesting sound.

You might be a hippie if....

you are obsessed with medieval shit. You can often find this particular strain of hippie near drum circles where they engage in mock battles with rubber swords. They shout random things such as "stand and deliver!" with a fake British accent. You can't have a medieval wing-ding without having at least half the participants wearing jester hats. Oh how hippies love jester hats. Brings a whole new meaning to the expression "what a clown". Stupid clown spilled mead on me and came nigh to ruining me pantaloons. I will thrash this buffoon and take all his doubloons.

you might be a hippie if......

you are a dude and walk around wearing a sarong.

you are a dude and you have your unwashed hair piled in a bun on top of your head.

you think that patchouli smells good.

you are dirtier than your dog ( and have at least 3 of these unwashed mongrels).

you love vegan restaurants where all the furniture is (intentionally) mismatched, the waitstaff are way more stoned than you are and the food looks like something that was shovelled out of somebody's backyard.

you love shitty bicycles. You are also unable to master the use of a spray can and will paint the entire thing, including the tires. Or even better, you like to wrap the bike in wool.

you think crystals have mystical powers and enjoy rubbing them. Rock. It's a Rock.

instead of saying thanks or cheers, you say "namaste" a lot while holding your hands together. You're a real fucking hippie if you take a bow when you say it.

you love to adamantly point out to smokers that they aren't allowed to smoke in some particular spot. You do this as you have a big fat joint in your mouth.

you are on craigslist and are too busy posting ads like " looking for chronic" or " in need of 420"  to notice that big section on the bottom right called "jobs".

you always have four or five hackey sacks on you.

you have peed on a dog because it's organic.

you have let a dog pee on you because it's organic.

your house smells like cat pee because it's organic.

your girlfriend smells like cat pee because she's organic.

you are terrified of words like Mennen, Ivory and Gillette ( they're evil corporations man! is usually your excuse).

you talk a lot of shit about conspiracies, and yet, can barely spell.

you have anything that's says "Free Tibet" on it. ( they would fry your sorry ass if you actually went to Tibet and started mouthing off).

you have a bumper sticker that says "Co-exist". You don't have a car so you stuck it on your bongo.

you like bluegrass, but hate country music.

your cats keep running away because you tried to feed them a vegan diet.

you always rant and rave about social change, yet neglect to change your underwear( that is, presuming that you actually are wearing underwear).

you are blissfully unaware that, yes, those rednecks over there really do want to punch you in the head.

.........and the list goes on my friends. Feel free to add to this list in the comments section. Thanks for reading.

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