Sunday, August 14, 2011

In The Bag

 Vikings most likely invented the bag. With their frequent outings to pillage and grab stuff, they needed something to put all their ill-gotten booty in, hence the invention of the bag. Over the following centuries bags became ubiquitous and almost indispensable. The now almost defunct brown bag was a good invention. You could put sandwiches in them, bank robbers would use them to carry big wads of cash, you could cut eye holes in them and act like retard or you could easily blow into them and pop them for a lowbrow attempt at humour.

The word "bag" has a nice crisp sound and its meaning is succinct. As a noun, it became useful for describing certain people or things in everyday parlance. The meanings are descriptive and vivid, although some maybe outdated, such as "Old Bag" which was usually reserved for a crazed neighbor who had 17 cats and always kept the balls that landed in her yard. Here's a few more.

1. Not My Bag, man. (always followed by man)

This expression is used exclusively by the modern day hippie. A throwback to the 60's, it has lingered on ( as did the insidious hippie culture) its meaning untainted and undiluted. Not my bag, man generally applies to work in general because hippies spend an inordinate amount of time trying to avoid it (as they do showers, common sense and coherent speaking). They also own many different types of bags to carry their shit in. They usually own one large hemp bag which is used to tote their bongos to various drum circles. They might also use the same bag to carry organic rocks back from the organic store. Others have even larger hemp bags that they use as clothing. It's cheaper than pants and is the ultimate hippie statement.

Hippies also have special large bags that are dedicated for the storage of weed. Like the perquisite bongo or didgeridoo, the hippie never leaves home without it. And by home, I mean the filthy shithole that he shares with 13 other unemployed hippies. The hippie might run out of tofu, but his weed bag never goes empty. When the phalanx of crusty hippies finally get evicted, they will pack their random possessions that were acquired from dumpsters and pack them into hundreds of plastic bags.

2. Dirt Bag

Usually reserved for various forms of lowlife type people. Low level crack dealers on BMX bikes are a good example. All the various dirt bags that they sell crack to are another. The one thing that they have in common is that have no compunctions about stealing your stuff. They will even steal each others' stuff and sell it over and over to each other. The crappy bikes that you see them riding around on have been stolen at least 6 times. Some of the classier dirtbags will use a portable bathroom called a shitbag, rather than going right there in the alley.

They are usually found downtown mooching change, getting free bus rides and engaging in the odd bum fight over the territorial rights of dumpsters. If you give them a smoke or a quarter they will eventually go away, but not after telling you some interminable pointless anecdote.

3. Scumbags.

Scumbags are more dangerous than dirtbags. These are the types of people that rob banks, kick dogs and constantly spit for no reason. Some dress in Tapout or Ed Hardy and usually look slightly inbred. Their low IQ makes them prone to violence. It's best to avoid contact with the scumbags unless your looking to fence a stolen car or score some crystal meth.

4. Douchebags.

Once the the purview of old ladies in Florida with skin like a catcher's mitt, this expression has recently made a comeback, Being dangerously close to being overused it can mean many things these days. A douchebag can run the gamut from someone stealing your last beer to someone selling military secrets to foreign governments.

Another variety are dudes in suits driving expensive cars while talking on a cel phone. They would think nothing of running over your dog or your grandma cuz they got shit to do, man! Should you confront them, they all seem to respond in the same manner. "Homo!" seems to be their battle cry. Should you exit your vehicle to get them to elaborate they usually fuck right off at top speed.

Other douchebags can be found at the local bar. They are the ones speaking the loudest and talkin' the most shit. This applies to both genders, but female douchebags can often be found downtown walking little tiny dogs in their yoga pants and their peroxide blond hair in a pony tail. They are oblivious to dirty looks, because, in their eyes, it is you who is the douchebag.

Other douchebags are fond of playing music. They can be found at any given jam or open mike hogging the stage. They sing badly and are prone to indulge in 25 minute guitar solos, completely unaware of the annoyance factor or even the right key to play in. The truly talentless ones with musical aspirations can usually be found at a karaoke night, but they don't really annoy anyone because they are surrounded by much bigger douchebags.

Two wheeled douchebags love to think of their bike-riding as some sort of moral manifesto. Their self-righteousness is often directed at other cyclists who don't wear helmets. They ride where they please and their sense of self-entitlement knows no bounds. Should you have the audacity to honk at them or hell, even ring your bicycle bell, you will automatically get the one finger salute, but being the true douchebags that they are, they will also take off real quick at the first sign that they about to be on the receiving end of a punch in the face. Funny that you don't see a lot them when it rains.

Wal-Mart douchebags are usually the white trash track pants wearing idiots who yell at all retail staff. I don't know if they're angry cuz they're buying crap of they're buying crap cuz they're angry, but they always seem to take it out on some poor unsuspecting minimum wage-earning cashier. They usually go back to whatever shithole they came from pretty quick, so they aren't around for too long. They will be back, though,  cuz they're gonna need more crap.

There are so many different types of douchebags, that it would be difficult to compile in this list, but observe the world around you and you will see them.

5. The Bag

Predominantly a Canadian expression, it is a not so subtle reference to male anatomy. A threat to receive a kick in the bag is fightin' words up here, but is usually reserved for work, such " I worked my bag off". Often it in regard to menial work that was underpaid or something that you got roped into, like when your best buddy decides he needs to move on a hot July day. You will indeed work your bag off, but you will also sweat your bag off. Warm beer and slimy pizza are hardly worthy compensation for such Herculean tasks. (FYI, the female equivalent of a kick in the bag is a kick in the taco).

6. Shitbag.

As explained earlier on, a device which dirtbags and hobos employ for bathroom purposes, coincidentally it is also a device that douchebags with tiny little dogs employ ( the real douchy ones don't even bother to pick it up.

Shitbag is sometimes used to describe shabby surroundings. "This hippie Vegan restaurant is pretty shitbag". It more commonly used in the form of bag o' shit. Like after a night of hard drinkin' and partying you will wake up the next day feeling like a bag of shit. Or your friends may use it to describe your appearance when you have a bad cold or a black eye from a barroom brawl, " Man, you look like a bag o' shit!"

Sometimes it is used to describe someone's lack of intelligence. " That hippie is dumber than a bag o' shit." Hippies are pretty dumb, some dumber than a bag of hammers, but dumber than a bag o' shit takes it to an even deeper level of stupidity.

7. Half In The Bag.

This is probably not used often anymore, but it implies that you are only partially hammered. You will still be able to find your zipper and possibly not pee on the floor. You are not quite at the level of getting a slap in the face from some gal, but you ain't far from it. At this point the bouncer is eyeballin' you just in case.

8. Bag of Wine.

Usually the preferred choice of Wal-Mart douchebags and karaoke douchebags, this corrosive swill comes in a large aluminum bag with a spigot, and is enclosed in a box with a convenient carrying handle. As I have stated many times, I am no fan of wine and all the pretentious connotations associated with it, because a 2 dollar bottle and a 200 dollar bottle both taste like ass to me and get you just as hammered. However, nothin' says I have absolutely no fucking class as a bag of wine. Throw in some 100mm menthol cigarettes and some scratchy lotto tickets and the image is complete.

9. Bagpipes.

This list would not be complete without the inclusion of bagpipes. For some strange reason, I love bagpipes. Others do not. It evokes images of many cats having their tails pulled simultaneously.

As an instrument of of war, it must have terrified uncivilized barbarians. Today, they just seem to terrify regular folks. This amuses me though, because I enjoy watching people's disdain at the sound and their consternation at my enjoyment. It's as if they were watching a pirate drink a whole bottle of hot sauce and go " Yaa-aar".  Take my advice and never drink whiskey with pipers, I came nigh to ruinin' me pantaloons.

I will sign off cuz I have to go to the liquor store to get some a beers.They will put them in a bag with the name of the store emblazoned on it. I might go down by the water and possibly get half in the bag. Hopefully the cops won't see me, cuz I might spend the night in the can.

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