Thursday, January 6, 2011

Greasonium: A New Element

Science has always held a particular fascination for me. The Newtonian principles of gravity and laws of attraction have always seemed to be a good way to understand the universe. The eventual development of Quantum Mechanics explained the universe even further. After much study, I am convinced that there exists a yet to be discovered element in the Periodic Table; Greasonium.

This would probably explain, on a quantum level, why me and many of my greasy brethren around the world can only be around other greasy people, and are repelled by non-greasy people. The unintentional combination of greasy and non-greasy particles causes a cascade reaction of the magnitude that has the possibility of destroying the universe, or without engaging in hyperbole, simply causing a really shitty time, bad party and possibly a bar fight.

The presence of Greasonium at square gatherings always seems to wreak havoc. Square gals' electrons seem to have an attraction, and the square dudes' element, Chickenshitonium, always seems to repel in the opposite direction. Either way, it always seems to elicit scowls and cause a lot of chaos.

There are many Greasonium particles present in leather, cuffed denim, hair grease, inside the wheel wells of '49 Mercs and guitars. This is what leads to many bad chemical reactions. Lack of Greasonium in one's metabolism has many medical complications. Some of the symptoms include, bad hearing resulting in the pursuit of shitty music, bad eyesight resulting in poor clothing choices and altered brain chemistry resulting in retarded behavior. It also causes Keratin depletion resulting in bad haircuts.

The absence of Greasonium has other complications that pertain to hearing and brain chemistry in musicians. It causes some to perceive vintage guitars, tube amps and twanginess as irritating. It has serious medical side effects that result in excessive guitar wankage, cheesy tenor sax riffs, demented harmonica blowing and 25 minute drum solos. There is no cure for this as these musicians have terminal cases of Rockmusicitis and are immune to injections of Greasonium. Their brain chemistry prevents the effective application of a Greasectomy. It also cause the growth of extremely un-cool facial hair.

The psychological repercussions are solidly based in the domain of Obsessive Compulsive behavior. The resulting dementia results in an un-natural obsession with Classic Rock and British Blues.

Another element called Freakonium also has very serious reactions with Greasonium. The Greasonium molecules are naturally to programed to seek and destroy Freakonium molecules. They are rarely found in the same compounds, so the interaction is a rare occurrence. The malodiferous odor that Freakonium atoms emit, called Patchoulium, have been known to attract Greasonium molecules, and if they happen to collide, electrons will be shed causing an explosion on the atomic level that will leave traces of dreadlocks, filth and bongo fragments in their wake. The half-life of Freakonium atoms is very short however, usually deteriorating in a giggling episode, a search for food and an excessive use of the term,"hey, man".

Greasonium often can cause a mutated chain reaction from squares lacking this critical enzyme, called Judgmentalium. The lack of Greasonium in their DNA causes this and symptoms usually include scowls, condescending remarks, feelings of superiority and insecurity. This chemical reaction is easily dispelled with some by-products of Greasonium such as Fuckyouinium and Kissmyassinium.  When mixed with alcohol, their potency can be increased ten-fold. With the right chemical reagents, these compounds can be easily changed to Illpunchyouinthefuckinheadolia.

Greasonium is a very volatile compound and should be handled with care. Without the proper handling or equipment, it can cause serious harm. The molecules can decay and be transformed into Geekonium. Once someone has been exposed to Geekonium, some of the results may include trying to act cool but failing miserably, an irrepressible desire to attend Star Trek conventions, the urge to wear really skinny jeans and fake glasses without lenses or the desire to restore obscure French automobiles.

Greasonium is a naturally occurring compound and many unsuccessful attempts have been made to re-create it in the laboratory. There are trace amounts present in beer, so drinking copious quantities is necessary in order to obtain small amounts of Greasonium. I suggest that you go down to the liquor store right now and get 24 beers. I know I will, I need my daily recommended  dose of Greasonium.

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