Sunday, November 27, 2011

Occupy This

Thankfully, this whole Occupy (your City) has run out of steam and all the penniless hippies have gone home. There are a few crusty stragglers that remain, but they too will soon be gone. It was once said that the main purpose of protests is to annoy people that aren't in them and truer words have never been spoken. I, and many others, are left perplexed in the wake of all this nonsense, because the point of it all is vague and lacks focus. I suspect that the shit-disturbers weren't fully cognizant of why they were there either. It became obvious after a few days that these unwashed denizens didn't seem to have any form of employment.

It is a sad legacy of  the sixties that has given us this breed of super-hippie with their excessive self righteousness and absolute sense of self entitlement, On a more personal scale, these are the same people that feel it is their duty to tell complete strangers what to do. Snide comments about lack of bike helmets or smoking in parks can be infuriating and I want to occupy their face with my fist. I , and my friends, have to show restraint unfortunately, because we don't to end up occupying a jail cell.

On a larger scale, these leftoid miscreants feel that they can impose their ridiculous ideas anywhere and anytime they feel, disrupting the lives or regular working folk and wreaking havoc on rush hour traffic.  They pontificate mindlessly making shit up as they go along. The ultimate hypocrisy lies in the fact that if you don't agree with them then you are most certainly dead wrong. That makes them close minded vigilantes who have no respect for other peoples rights or privacy.

Te beauty of living in Canada or the US is the absolute freedoms that we are guaranteed. If you want to say crazy shit in public or espouse radical political beliefs, you are well within your rights to do so. As an individual, I also have the right to disagree with you, but have to recognize your right to be a complete fucking retard.

Rarely will you find greasers engaging in any of these activities because in an ironic twist of irony it the longhairs who are are acting like hooligans and it is the greasers who are zen. All the greasers that I know derive immense satisfaction from working on their cars, playing some tunes on their old guitar, catching a couple of bands, just being generally greasy and minding their own goddam business. Occupy has a whole different meaning to us, here's a few things that I and my greasy buddies like to occupy.

1.Occupy the Bar Stool,

O, the crazy times that we have had sitting on that bar stool, Tall tales were told, musical discussions that went on for hours were held, bullshit stories about the opposite sex, even more bullshit about how much horse power one had and all around good times. And when it was time to leave, maybe one more round. We never gave a damn about taking on big corporations, we just wanted to know where to get a hard to find carburetor or when the next good show was coming up.

Another important difference with us and the freakos is that all of us had occupied a shower before going to the bar. At no time did any of us get the urge to sleep in a cardboard box outside the bar and display crudely written signs with lots of spelling errors. ( on a related note, you gotta be nuts to camp out in front of Best Buy to save 20 bucks on a TV, but that's another story)

I recently occupied a neighborhood bar where a friend of mine is the cook. A greasy cat possessing that legendary Australian friendliness, he is also an avid fan of Rockabilly and Honky Tonk. Whenever I show up Rockabilly music fills the air and the pints flow freely. I never knew that Melbourne had such a vibrant Rockabilly scene, judging by all the cool bands that I hear in that bar, and I just want another round, I stay for while then I stagger up the hill to occupy my bed for the next 8 hours.

2.Occupy Interstate 5.

Even though we have good beer in Canada one of the sad realities is that it is completely impossible to get good hair grease up here. Maybe because we have to many squares with bad haircuts and vast throngs of unwashed hippies who don't use shampoo, much less hair products. Or maybe it's too damned cold, I just don't know. Once in a while I have to make a pilgrimage to Everett WA , which is the nearest town where I can find Tres Flores and Nu-Nile. I love going down there, but I unfortunately have to occupy a two hour line up at the border. I don't mind because it's worth the wait and as a small reward to myself on the way back, I will occupy the Chevron in Blaine WA an get 24 Pabst for a ridiculously low price. Upon my return, the grease will occupy my hair, the beer  will occupy my liver and all is right in the universe.

3. Occupy the Deserted CD Store.

I used to love buying CD's. Every single one that I own holds memories and many of them were given to me by the bands themselves. I enjoyed the artwork and reading who worked on the CD and sometimes the lyrics would even be included. People from a younger generation view me as some sort of oddball. It seems eccentric to them that I am obsessed by what they view as an archaic artifact.

I recently went to HMV, which used to be one the largest music retailers. The music section has been relegated to the second floor and I could almost imagine tumbleweeds rolling around; that place was dead. The selection was sparse but I managed to actually find a CD that I wanted. ( Derailers covering Buck Owens songs). As I made my way to the cash register I think I woke the clerk up from a nap. I asked the bleary-eyed cashier if I was the only idiot still buying CDs. " Yep, pretty much," he deadpanned without any trace of irony. ( HMV will closing its doors in a few months)

I am using an old Mac because there isn't 2 grand occupying my wallet to buy a new one. So these days, I have been occupying the homes of some my computer-savvy friends and getting them to download stuff for me.

4. Occupy The Garage.

A lot of my friends seem happiest when they are lying on a creeper under some old car. I have realized one thing over the years and that is the fact that working on cars would eventually lead me to occupy an insane asylum. I find it more satisfying watching my friends do it. I get to hand them tools as I occupy my ass on a milk crate and every few hours occupy the liquor store when I am sent on beer runs.

As I have mentioned in some older posts, I prefer making bikes. I derive the same amount of satisfaction and I can ride them when I've had 10 beers without any fear of retribution.Not to worry though, I am a seasoned rider and my bikes have a low center of gravity so I never occupy the pavement with my face.

5. Occupy The Barber Chair.

Getting a haircut from a real barber who knows how to do pomps is a quintessential dude thing. There are no women around and you can curse and talk about dirty shit to your heart's content. Hell, you can even have a few beers if you are so inclined. It is one my favorite ways to spend a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon and my barber occupies his stereo with cool music. There a truly satisfying feeling that comes with walking out the door sporting a fresh haircut. I have to occupy the sidewalk for a few minutes because my ass is usually numb from occupying the barber chair ( sorry. was that too much info?)

6. Occupy Vegas.

No list like this would be complete without mentioning the holy grail of Rockabilly that is Viva Las Vegas. Those who have attended know exactly what I mean and it would be difficult to convey the sense of it to those who haven't .  You will definitely need to occupy your sofa for few days to rest up from this vacation. 4 days of non-stop bands, excessive drinking, debauchery, did I mention drinking staggering amounts of booze?, hot chicks, cool threads, unbelievable vintage vendors and excessive drinking. Then there is the mother of all hot rod shows. Granted some car shows are bigger, but this one features the cream of the crop when it comes to traditional hot rods. To top it off you're in Vegas. I urge anyone who has never attended to check it out at least once, you will dig it but your liver, not so much.

There you have it, a short list of things that greasers like to occupy. As for myself, I think I will occupy the beer store today and check out some vintage bikes until I am cross-eyed.


  1. I thought I was being insensitive to the Occupy movement. But, thankfully I have found some else who shares my views.

  2. Those "occupy" clowns are nothing but hippie jackasses who want handouts. Their "camps" were nothing but squalor, and on top of that, they created a ruckus for us working folk. Must be nice to have all this time to jerk off and camp out.

    I need to occupy my garage...

  3. I first noticed the "occupiers" in a very small park on Jasper Ave. I had forgot about their crusade and immediately wondered who was letting the bums set up a camp. Luckily you can only occupy the outdoors for limited amounts of time in Edmonton -unless you want to occupy a coffin next.