Saturday, July 23, 2011

Greasy Makes 'Em Uneasy

Yuppies was a term that was coined quite a while back. I haven't really found a suitable replacement for it, so I assume that everyone knows what I'm talking about. Not unlike a virus, the yuppies seemed to have mutated into a new form, a sort of super yuppie if you will.

The last ten years in this town has seen an unprecedented growth in greed and short sighted urban planning resulting in gentrification on a truly frightening scale. New Yorkers had figured this out decades ago and grass roots movements emerged preventing greedy land developers from gentrifying vibrant neighborhoods. They had an inherent understanding of city life that yuppies, squares and real estate hogs had, and still do, failed to fathom: people like funky neighborhoods, cheap booze, dive bars, mom and pop diners and sleazy live music venues.

Vancouver BC seems to be one of the worst offenders in North America in this regard. Heritage buildings are wantonly tore down without any respect of history. Neighborhoods are decimated as condo towers sprout up like poisonous mushrooms between old buildings that used to have cheap rent. Some once industrial 'hoods have all but vanished only to be replaced with more of the ubiquitous green-windowed condo towers, leaving lifeless concrete canyons in their wake.

Parks and green spaces are homogenized where regular folk on shitty bikes, down-and-outers, greaseballs and working men are not welcome.

Then there is the infamous yuppie scowl. Having the unshakable belief that they are better than everyone else, they will be visibly annoyed at someone who does not share their misguided sense of aesthetics.  What kills me is that they are so certain that they are right about everything, yet lack the understanding of the world around them.

In their world of small minded thinking there is no room for rock' n' roll or alternative cultures. They perceive everything through a money-driven green lens. They will perceive it as their way and anything else as the hillbilly way. I'm here to explain the hillbilly way.

1. Vancouver is a city that is by the water, therefore, there are boats moored all over the place. Some these boats are the size of football stadiums and I am forced to ponder why. Why the hell would somebody need a boat that big if not simply for ostentatious displays of wealth. Yeah we get it , you have money but what's the boat fer?

Now the hillbilly brain will see a Winnebago and think ," Hey, now that there's some cheap rent". And if he or she should ever find themselves unemployed and compounded with the astronomical rents in this city, why the hell not. The yuppie would scowl and almost become nauseous at the mere thought. But , I ask you; what is a boat but a floating Winnebago?

A boat, like a Winnebago, has got folding beds, a tiny beer fridge, a small plastic toilet bowl connected to a big poop tank, weird windows and a steering wheel in the kitchen. The advantage of a Winnebago is that is has wheels and you can go places with it. Also when you get home drunk there is no danger of falling into the water and drowning. Also most hillbillies know how to fix the motor.

Yuppies admire people who live on boats year round and think of them as adventurous. Just try telling one these pretentious fucks that you live down at the ole trailer park and see the ensuing reaction. At the end of the day, the yuppies will have to empty that large poop tank.

2. The yuppies love their wine. I suspect that it's not for the actual taste but for the snob value. They will admire friends who have just "acquired" (never just bought) a $ 300 dollar bottle of Merlot  ( whatever the fuck that is) and will gladly attend pretentious affairs called wine tastings. They will endlessly discuss the merits of various wines and employ as many obscure adjectives as they can find.

Amidst all this self-delusional behavior they will still have the nerve to look down their noses at a couple of hillbillies enjoying a 3 dollar jug of wine with a screw top on a park bench. They fail to see the obvious; All of it is red, made from grapes, tastes like ass and will eventually get you shithouse plastered. Nothing more pathetic than some fool in 400 dollar shirt drunkenly stumbling around looking for his BMW.

Hillbillies have at least enough common sense to sleep it off in the bed of their pick up truck.

3. Yuppies have a fondness for so-called pure bred dogs. What they fail to realize is that these unfortunate mutts are the product of severe inbreeding and are usually stupider than a sack of shit. These dumb critters pee with impunity anywhere they damned well please and the yuppies think it's cute. Often these overly pampered dogs will pee on the wheel of my bike, and those fuckers think it's funny, yet they will heap scorn on a hillbilly who just happens to be peeing in a bush. At least hillbillies are happy with junkyard dogs or old smell hounds.

4. Yuppies love rituals and the funny uniforms that they require. Jogging is one of their favorite ones because it's a big performance. These running fools are out in droves clad in their expensive jogging clothes. They run and they run, as they scowl at their heart rate monitors, drink sport drinks, and huff and puff as they slyly look around to make sure that are being seen. In an added bid for attention they will occasionally stop to do funny looking and extremely annoying exercises.

If the prancing douchebags see a hillbilly running by, they will assume that he is running from the law. That doesn't happen often because hillbillies don't run.

Another ritual favored by the yuppie is the very expensive road bike and the prerequisite spandex uniform that goes with it. That's what you need for a friendly evening spin; a $6000 carbon fiber road bike and a grand worth of spandex plastered with corporate logos ( I don't know why the biggest logo is always on the ass). They look oh-so-serious as they zoom by scaring small children and almost squashing other yuppies' microscopic dogs. They feel smug in their superiority as they indulge in the delusion that they could easily run the Tour De France.

They may look down on hillbillies riding old vintage bikes.Think again yuppie fool, because, fueled by beer, cheap cigars and even cheaper whiskey, me and bike riding hillbilly buddies can outlast and out ride any of the latte-sipping road warriors.

5. As I have stated many times in the past, I'm sick of trying to explain Rockabilly to squares. Greasy is as greasy does and let's leave it a that. When I roll through a particularly gentrified part of of town, I get lots of scowls from the skanks who have tanned themselves to the color of a Cheetoh. The dudes with long, squashed, square toed shoes and pink shirts also scowl.

They scowl because they are confronted with something that they don't understand. It's square peg in their round world and it threatens them somehow. But all is not what it seems, however, because I can see from behind my shades, the sidelong glances from some of the gals as they sip wine in humongous glasses and listen to their emasculated date talk about the stock market. They dig the grease, and they all secretly wish that they were hillbillies, where they could walk around with no shoes in a park and drink beer in a can while shooting squirrels.

Time for me to get some cheap beer and scare some squares as I sit on the park bench and mutter "I tell you what" at the passing joggers.

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