Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Just Hang Your Head

I think that everyone, at one time or another, has experienced embarrassment or have been in embarrassing situations. These situations are usually minor, and other than small percentage of truly psychopathic people, we usually feel remorse. According to Psychology Today, embarrassment is an evolutionary trait that developed to maintain social order. There is a difference between embarrassment and shame. Shame usually involves copious amounts of booze. Even dogs will give you a funny look when they get caught doing something they shouldn't have done, like for instance taking a crap on your sofa or eating that secret stash of money that you had hidden away.

Some dudes on the other hand have virtually no embarrassment threshold or no shame whatsoever. Some act like complete fucking morons as they interrupt, harass and annoy you and literally cruise for a bruisin'.  They are oblivious to the fact that they are making complete fools of themselves and are annoying many people in the process. And they really do need a punch in the face.

This would also explain the abundance of dudes with mullets and the thousands of camo pants sold each year. One only has to look at one of those people of walmart sites to have absolute confirmation of lack of shame and downright bad judgment. I guess that a lot of those people could be considered rednecks and they probably do experience embarrassment sometimes. They might be embarrassed when they accidentally shoot their buddy on a hunting trip because they thought he was deer, or maybe they forgot their case of beer at the gas station after they paid for it or maybe they put some other redneck's false teeth in their mouth by mistake, all embarrassing redneck situations.

Hippies have no shame whatsoever, but it's on purpose. They just want attention and want to annoy as many people as humanely possible. Their intentional shabby clothing and lack of personal hygiene is a source of pride. Those demented gyrations that they call dancing are meant to show the world that they are "free spirits man!" They simply won't admit that they have no rhythm, and just cannot dance. It's so bad that one can't help but be embarrassed for them. To be fair, it's not just hippies who are guilty of this transgression, one simply has to visit any Blues bar on a Saturday night to witness these abominations.

There are still many dudes however who actually do give a damn about their appearance and demeanor. Booze related mishaps notwithstanding, they take steps to avoid embarrassing situations. Greasers might even top the list with our obsession with hair and greasy hair products, the precise radius of cuffs on jeans and really nice jackets. Some might call it vanity, but as I have stated in one of my earlier posts, a little bit of vanity is not necessarily a bad thing, particularly as one gets older. To dudes and greasers it's the minor faux-pas that causes embarrassment, the little things in life that in the long run are probably don't matter, but hey, speaking for myself, I just want to avoid looking like a dang fool. Here's a few examples.

1. The Inertial Chain Snag.

This applies mainly to greasers and other dudes who are fond of sporting wallet chains. It's been said that some folks might perceive a dude with a wallet chain as making a statement akin to " I got 7 bucks and I'll be damned if anyone's gonna steal it". That may be partially true, but I once spoke to a man who had been pick-pocketed on a bus and wanted to know where I got mine ( it's made of stuff that you buy at a hardware store). It doesn't matter, because real dudes stick their money in the right pocket of their Levis in a big crumpled clump. The wallet chain comes in handy for beating attacking pit bulls, shredding bongo skins at a local drum circle or jamming in the spokes of some hipster's fixie bicycle.

 OK, so what the hell am I talking about some you may ask. It's the dreaded chain snag. This usually occurs on park benches and plastic patio chairs. Nothing will make you look more foolish than attempting to stand only to be yanked back on your butt because your chain is inextricably wedged in slots in the bench. You are stuck there and there is no way of disguising what you are doing as you frantically try to dislodge the chain. Worse still are those damned white plastic patio chairs. The slits are just the right size for the chain to go in but never come out. When you stand, the whole chair comes along with you. This being a patio chair, you are most likely at a barbecue and everyone's been drinking. Oh, the laughter that will ensue, as you search for a reciprocating saw.

2. The Invisible Screen Door.

Speaking of barbecues, they are usually held in back yards or large porches. The bathroom and the fridge, unfortunately, are not in the same place; they are indoors. This means several trips to the house and necessitates crossing the threshold that has a sliding screen door across it. I think you see where I'm going with this. People will inevitably smack right into this almost invisible barrier. The darker it gets and the drunker people get will cause the occurrence of this embarrassing mishap to increase exponentially. It doesn't hurt, it's just embarrassing and it makes me angry; especially after the fourth time in a row. ( greasy tip: ask the host for a roll of green masking tape and make a big X on the screen door, works great).

3. The Dreaded Stealth Booger.

This one is particularly insidious, because you are always unaware until someone points it out. This may not be a problem for dudes living in Arizona or Nevada, but in cold damp climates that sneaky booger is always lurking and waiting for a chance to completely embarrass you. It's very difficult to be taken seriously when you are speaking to someone while a fluorescent green booger suddenly makes a prominent appearance. Some people will discreetly point it out, which takes courage. That is fine, but once the existence of the offending booger is established, what the hell do you do with it? If you wipe it on your pants, that just makes the situation even more disgusting. I always manage to swipe a bunch of napkins from McDonald's and keep them in my pocket. I also got a little round mirror that came with a can of grease that I keep handy for a quick booger check. On those really cold or rainy days, if you have no napkins and absolutely feel the need to launch a snot-rocket, just make sure no one sees you: nothing says demented bum more than a random snot-rocket in public.

4. The Parasitic Toilet Paper Snake.

If you go to bars, this has probably happened at least once to everyone. That recalcitrant three foot long toilet paper snake stuck to your heel and following you around the bar. Go ahead; go talk to some women at the bar, that'll take you down a couple of notches as they collectively say ' Eee-eeew!". This makes the Stealth booger pale by comparison. There are many connotations associated with this highly visible ( except to you) protuberance. First , it's been on the bathroom floor, so there is most likely piss and/or shit on it, secondly, maybe it came directly out of your own ass so there is definitely shit on it and thirdly, you're tracking shit all over the bar. Always check your shoes before you leave a public bathroom. Nothing says " I'm a retard who can barely stay upright and walk" like a bright white toilet paper snake.

5. What's That Smell

Admit it, you once stank up an entire bar with a silent-but-deadly beer fart. It happens, and the best way to diffuse, as it were, the situation is own up to it immediately. Your friends will thank you and they will be relieved that they are not one of the suspected culprits. Loud farts on the other hand are a whole other domain. I once witnessed some poor bastard on the bus once trying to deal with a flatulence dilemma. Most of the buses here are electric, and therefor fairly quiet. I could see in the corner of my eye as this guy attempted to squeeze his butt cheeks to silence the offending emanation, but the venturi effect just amplified it and the vinyl seat made it omni-directional. That was really loud and I could almost hear the guys embarrassment along with it. Too bad farts don't sound like guitar riffs; now that would be cool.

6. The Mean Streets.

When one is walking around in public, one can sometimes come to the conclusion that space-time itself is out to get you. I get angry at no one and nothing in particular when I trip as I walk down the street. Then I'll just blame it on the trees for pushing up the sidewalk with their roots. Damned evil trees. Nothing will blow your cool and humble you like falling down in public. This usually happens when wearing Converse Chuck Taylor's. They are cool shoes, but let's face it, they are crappy. They wear out quickly and it eventually feels like you are walking on a sheet of WD-40. Throw in some wet leaves and the laws of gravity cease to exist. I once slipped and chipped a bone in my hand, but I didn't care. I did one of those rapid pogo stick moves to get me upright and got the fuck out of there fast. It makes it doubly embarrassing if you are a greaser and messed up your pomp. There you are; one the ground, the butt of your pants is wet and your hair is blocking your view like a sheep dog. It takes even more finely honed skills to simultaneous jump up, whip out your comb, fix your hair and disappear.

Falling off a bike is just as embarrassing, if not more so. There generally is no reason  (other than being really hammered to point of having zero balance) for falling off a bike; it just seems to happen. It tacitly implies to people that, not only are you a retard, you are a grown man who can't even ride a bike.

Parking meters seem to have the ability to mysteriously move around. I think many dudes have walked right into them, almost breaking a rib in the process (admit guys, you know the reason; you had your head craned 180 degrees as you were checking out some gal walking by in the opposite direction). Parking meters also dislike people who text and walk at the same time and will randomly attack them, so they do have a useful purpose after all. Oh yeah, and greedily gobbling up all your hard-earned cash.

Here's a few embarrassing situations that one might try to avoid.

1. Muttering to yourself in public.

2. Pocket dialing 911.

3. Scratching your bag in public.

4. Entering the women's bathroom by mistake.

5. Spilling a beer on yourself ( stop waving your arms around).

6. Drinking a bottle of beer filled with cigarette butts at a party( I swear this happened to me).

7. Dropping a guitar face down on stage.

8. Don't order spaghetti and meat balls on a first date.

9. No matter how drunk you are, refrain from playing air guitar.

10. Don't post crazy shit on facebook if you are shithouse plastered.

11. Gents, always check to make sure you are zipped up, nobody wants to see your under-britches.

12. If must go to a laundromat, bring beers. It will take the edge off of complete strangers looking at     your dirty laundry.

13. Don't be embarrassed at the fact that you don't know how to use chopsticks. Better to use a fork  
     than look like a spaz.

14. If you get a flat tire, don't roll around for three weeks on that tiny little donut spare.

15. Environment be damned; always double up on the plastic bags at the beer store. Nothing more   
      embarrassing than chasing beer cans on the sidewalk as they roll away in various directions.

Thanks for reading a may you have an embarrassment-free day.


  1. Nothing more embarrassing than sitting on a patio chair and getting slim and the twins caught between the slats. When the firemen come remember to smile. They have probably done it themselves at one time.

  2. Loved this! So true and so funny.