Sunday, March 21, 2010

Tips For The Dude-Less.

Some men are born dudes, other achieve dude-ness later in life , some have dude-ness thrust upon them, and then there are those sniveling, clueless men who will never to come close to being a dude.

A vast, unwashed, nondescript segment of society that defies classification, the non-dudes come in all shapes, sizes, age groups and varying levels of intelligence. They are amalgamated by one unifying factor; their power to annoy.

They don't annoy each other, because they don't realize that they are un-cool. I don't know, nor do I want to know, the habits of these pathetic individuals. I don't purposely interact with them.

One thing is for certain though, wherever dudes congregate, there will be non-dudes there to pester them and annoy them. Not your garden variety, dog barking annoying but rather stinky dog shit annoying, the type that elicits an immediate desire to administer a punch in the face.

The dog analogy is apt, because like an inbred chihuahua, they yammer incessantly. It is the same inexplicable motivator that causes lunatics to be loud, incoherent and exceptionally vocal.

This is a a focal point; dudes know when to keep their mouth shut. If you are a non-dude reading this, I will give you some helpful advice. If you are reading and know a non-dude, pass it on and save him from an eventual and inevitable beating.

A Short Guide

1. Stop Yammering.

Other than himself and his insipid non-dude friends, nobody gives a damn about the inane details of a non-dude's mundane life. Obviously having too much time on his hands, his in depth analyses of parking meter conspiracies are of no interest to anybody. As well as making no sense, they're boring the fuck out of everybody.

The non-dude has very limited technical ability. Not being able to build, fix or fabricate anything, they seem to have a morbid curiosity about dudes wrenchin' on something.

I will spell it out directly; " When you see a dude with a tool in his hand, muttering under his breath and sweating profusely, that means he's workin' on something and it's NOT GOING WELL. That should be an obvious clue that you should shut up and fuck off immediately".

It is futile to give that advice, however, because non-dudes are impervious to the body language of a dude who is completely ignoring them and getting increasingly more agitated. Being a true butt-head, it would never occur to the non-dude to help the dude or maybe pass him some tools.

If the non-dude was ever to stumble into the inner sanctum of the hot rod garage, he might be surprised at how quiet it is. The hot rodder will wrench and his buddies will watch, the utter silence punctuated by the occasional pop of a beer can being gently opened, or a taciturn " hand me that 5/8 , will ya?".

2. Really Stop Yammering.

One of the main problems that non dudes have that prevents them from functioning properly is their utter lack of social filters. They will do or say anything that pops into their mind at the most inopportune of times.

Unaware of peer groups or the gregarious nature of sub-cultures, they will barge into any conversation, anytime, with anybody who crosses their distorted field of vision.

The admonitions by the dudes he's just rudely interrupted to shut up or get the fuck away, go mostly unheeded. He is only spared a good shit-kicking because dudes adhere to the code of dude-ness.

Listen up fool." When you see a bunch of greasers hangin' out, we ain't yer pal , so fuck off. And if you see one of us talkin' up some hot gal, you are cramping our style, fuck off even quicker".

3. Don't Make Me Come Over There.

What is it about cameras that makes all the non-dudes and freaks crawl out of the woodwork? During a recent photo shoot, I had to give a couple of hairy eyeballs to a few cretins that had interfered with the proceedings.

A hot rod, a dude with a pomp and a burlesque dancer are just that. If someone whips out a camera, he's taking their picture. They have their reasons, and the drunken non-dude does not seem to understand this.

The non-dudes don't want to be in the picture, they just want to annoy. Like a dog sniffing your crotch at a party. The dog doesn't know why he does it, it's right there at his nose level, and he just wants to smell it, dammit! One would assume that the average non-dude is smarter than a dog, but their behavior sometimes compels me to think otherwise.

4. You Look Like A Fucking Tool.

There is no redemption for most non-dudes. The will drift through life clueless to their own inherent un-coolness and innate predisposition to annoy. For the small percentage of non-dudes who may have seen a tiny glimmer of light, I will offer a list of brief advice.

A) Get a decent haircut, the seventies are over.

B) Don't be such a fucking wiener.

C) Don't poke me in the arm for emphasis. This a sure fire way of getting a punch in the head.

D) If you see me having drinks with some hot gal: I'm on a date, fuck off.

E) If I've got wrench in one hand, a beer in the other and I'm cursing a blue streak; fuck off right now.

F) If you see a dude driving a hot rod, don't ask him what year it is. What could that possibly change in your dumb life? All you need to say is " cool ride", or better yet, a nod of approval.

G) Don't dance like a fuckin' spaz. Order a drink, sit down, shut up, watch the band.

H) Socks and sandals= mental retardation.

I) Buy your own fucking smokes.

J) Never mess with a dude's ride.

K) We don't care if you need a shit. That's way too much info.

L) Never you mind why my hair is greasy.

M) Just saying the word "rockabilly" won't make you cool. Quit asking me, Wiki or Google.

N) Learn how to curse properly. Go ahead, say "fuck", you will feel better.

O) If you see dudes lifting heavy shit, get out of the way, fool!

P) Touch that last beer and you're dead, mofo.

Q) As the Cramps once said " go downtown and get beat up". It will toughen you up.

R) Turn that collar down.

S) You don't have to have an opinion on every single thing.

T) Only insane people care about conspiracy theories. You're full of shit, stupid to believe them and none of us care.

U) Yes, we are out to get you.

V) Eat some freakin' meat once in a while.

W) You scare small children

X) You scare women even more

Y) You look like a goof.

Z) Shut up.

Thanks for reading. Adios for now.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. fucken well said !