Monday, July 27, 2009

Are you a hippie or a greaser. Some fundamental questions.

There are no two groups as more diametrically opposed as greasers and hippies. Hippies are the antithesis of greasers, and greasers...well who gives a shit about what hippies think, with their convoluted, new age logic and self-righteous attitudes.

If you are somewhere in-between, don't worry about it too much. If you think you are a hippie after reading this, seek change, seek help, or just listen to some rockabilly; there may be hope for you yet.

The indelible stain that hippie counter-culture from the sixties left on our society permeates every aspect of modern day life. It has continued to annoy for nigh on 40 years. Combined with the me-first sense of self-entitlement that all too prevalent today, it makes for an annoying and usually stinky experience.

It is an exercise in futility trying to talk sense to hippies, because their new-age addled minds refuse to embrace even the simplest of logical concepts. Also, even though we (the greasers) sometimes feel like punching them in their unwashed heads, it would be akin to shooting trout in a barrel, and the greaser code tells us to not pick on people weaker than us.

Greasers do have a very strict code of ethics, possibly anachronistic, but solid nonetheless. Don't mess with another's woman, don't drink your friend's last beer, get a job, have a shower, respect your neighbours, don't mess with somebody's ride so on and so forth. This prevents us from pounding hippies into the ground, stomping on their bongos and maybe hosing them down to get rid of the smell.

Here are some random questions, it is not a quiz, because you will know the answers.

1. You go to the park and see a tree.

You; Embrace it, hug it and revel in Gaia .

You; Have a beer, then piss on that tree, just to show that tree how rockabilly you are.

2. You see a VW mini-bus goin' down the road.

You; say cool, man. Take a hit on your doob and think "Hey, man, I could live in that thing, man".

You; Think to yourself , " What a sack of hippie shit." Not too mention those POS pollute more than a Soviet farm tractor. Stupid hippie hypocrites.

3, You have a kid.

You; Name him Presley or Wyatt.

You; name him or her Spatula, Aorta, Seqouioa , Rabbit, CheGuaverra, Mao Tse Tung, Burning Man's anus, Quartz, Dudewheresmyweed, Shoe, Chaotica, Dudewheresmycat, Moon, Planet, Rotating Iron Core of Earth, you get the picture,any LSD induced random word association. Then the poor kid is saddled with that ridiculous name for his or her whole life, guaranteed to make them a pariah, endure beatings in school and possibly end up on a rooftop with a magnum.

4. You want to get a hair cut.

You; Find the best old school barber that you can and research the various products so that you can look your absolute best.

You; I don't get haircuts, man. I won't let the man keep me down, man. I don't buy soap, man . It's a government plot to keep us down,man. They have secret drugs in the soap, man, to brainwash you,man. If I keep my hair long, man, the alien radio waves won't get to me man.

5. You see a hot rod rolling down the street.

You; Drool, try see what kind of motor is in that thing, dig the sound of the Lake pipes.

You; Catch up to the car at a red light on your shitty bike, wrapped in macrame, wobbly wheels and sporting a "one less car" sticker and tell the hot-rodder " Your car stinks, man".

6. You go see a band.

You; Dig the tunes, buy the band beer after the show. Maybe get to try out their guitar.

You; Dance like a fuckin' spaz, knock some drinks into the guitar player's amp causing it to short out, have 20 dudes who are ready to pound you, and self-righteously explain that you were only expressing

7. You go to a jam in a bar.

You; Bring your guit, know some tunes, make sure your guit is tuned, proceed to rock the house.

You; Bring a bunch of your unclean friends who don't know how to play, bring an un-tuned guitar with 4 strings, proceed to massacre some Hank Williams songs ( because it's hip to like Hank, man) and claim that you are " just expressing yourself, man".

8. You have some vacation time from work.

You; Go to Viva Las Vegas. Biggest rockabilly party on earth. Tons of the best bands, thousands of the best hot rods.

You; Assuming that you are a hippie, you ain't got no job, and you belong to the WorkLess Party.Hippies are known for their notorious lack of a work ethic, yet they want to work less, go figure. Therefore they will sell enough skanky pot and somehow make their way to the Burning Man festival and revel with all the other flotsam and jetsam of society, hopped up on cheap drugs, hanging baboon like from trees, setting off illegal fireworks and proclaim their freedom.

9. You got a bike.

You; Once in a while, a greaser will like to get a bit of exercise and go on some bike cruises with a nice vintage bike. You bring along a whole bunch of beer, enjoy the beautiful scenery of Vancouver ( nothing like it) get a bit hammered and go home.

You; Are rabidly anti-social. you despise everything, yet don't know why, You therefore decide to join that hooligan hippie nightmare known as Critical Mass. You disrupt Friday night traffic once a month. Yelling dogmatic slogans at people in cars just trying to get home makes you feel good. You then go to some run down bar and talk about how cool your shitty bikes are.

10. You need shoes.

You; Go to your favorite cool store (thank you Hitz) and check out the latest Converse.

You; Somehow find a place that sells Birkenstocks. You pay 200 bucks, and then think to yourself, " Hey, man, these would look good with socks, man". You buy them with your dad's middle class money, get some patchouli, get a fixed geared bike, ride it while whistling and annoy as many people per square inch as you can.

There you have it folks, a little bit vehemence about hippies. I guess that is really like shooting fish in a barrel, but how can one resist. If you answered the second answers to any of these questions. please, seek professional help. If you are greasy, you don't even need to answer, if you are in- between, don't worry about it ,we like you.

Thanks for reading.

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