Sunday, May 24, 2009

7 varieties of Hippies

Howdy friends,

Here is a short guide to identifying and classifying all the various species of hippies in your town. The hippie's habitat is widespread ranging from urban centers, suburbs, backwoods and deep in the wilderness. The hippie's natural predators include greasers and bikers. Hippie's feeding habits are grains, seeds, herbs, free stuff and your cigarettes. Hippies can be harmful to your health and contact with the hippie may include patchouli allergy, anger, elevated blood pressure ,headaches and elevated adrenaline levels which are caused by the hippie's mating call; self-righteous indignation.

Here are the 7 varieties of hippies;

1. Old School.

These burn-outs from the sixties or early 70's come in two types. The ones who became ultra right wing capitalists or the scruffy old burnouts. The latter still reminisce about the past and like to go to Costa Rica for a vacation. Some eat meat but the burn out refuses to get a hair cut. They still talk about " the revolution, man!" but have yet to accomplish anything. The Capitalist variety became ver
y adept at screwing people, hence the hypocrisy. It is very difficult to communicate with either one of these sub-genres.

2. Fixed Gear bicycle rider/ or bike messenger

There is a new trend amongst urban hippie and bike messengers and that is to ride a fixed gear bicycle. These angry self-entitled hipster freakos wreak havoc in traffic and will flip the bird if you honk at them , the but quickly take off if you should confront them. Keep in mind that these bikes have no brakes and were designed for indoor use, you have to literally pedal backwards to stop them.

If you're driving downtown you will see these goofs lurching and screeching on their brake-less contraptions causing mayhem and irreparable damage to their knees. Once a month, you will see these hooligans, blocking traffic and screeching at motorists while they participate in some hippie nightmare bike ride. They will tie up traffic and get very aggressive, and seem so surprised when somebody is actually gonna kick their ass. Critical Ass.

The uniform of the freako fixie includes an oversize wool cap ,one pant leg rolled up, a tiny u-lock in the back pocket, band fliers in the spokes and pretty much anything that is guaranteed to annoy you. The urban fixie goof has lately taken to tunelessly whistling (loudly) and see if you get annoyed. Annoyed you will get, you may throw rocks or jam a hockey stick in their spokes or simply take solace in the fact that all their women are butt ugly.
Ain't got no brakes on it!

3. Bluegrass hippies

Their staunch devotion to Bluegrass is unrelenting, but lacking true conviction. They preach undying allegiance to Bill Monroe, but have no clue to what true country music is. They peer down their unwashed noses at the unbelievers, but can barely tune a guitar . An affectation of the most pretentious kind, they will invite you to jam but will sneer at any deviations from the "true bluegrass ethic" . They will cavort on stage and sing in fake falsettos just to show you how bluegrass they are. If you are invited to jam , they will show contempt at your attempt to sing some Hank, because being self-righteous hippies, they are , of course, better than you.Intolerance , one of the key traits of the hippie.

I sure is bluegrass, I've seen O brother where art thou 62 times. My mandolin smells like Patchouli.

4. Punk hippies.

Yeah , most punks are a variety of hippies.
The old punks still cling to their pathetic past, romanticizing about bad music and low paying jobs, and to this day, a lot them still choose to choose to eschew any type of meaningful work. They still regale you with tales of how hard core they are but it's lights out after three beers.

The new punks, like the old punks I guess, are suburban denizen trying to be rebellious. They think it's cool to be destitute and hang around urban centers with their mangy dogs , threatening to squeegee your windshield while their ironmongery trashes your paint job.

They go on about anarchy , not understanding that in such a system they would be a BBQ to some big ass biker king. They do not eat meat but are always searching ways to obtain free beer, and in the true hippie greed system , find ways to fake injuries sustained by cars in order to scam money from insurance companies or governments that they claim to disdain. The hippie credo, free stuff.

You got any tofu?

5. Downtown Urban Hippies.

By far the worst, and stinkiest, kind. Many of them sport dreadlocks and a carefully contrived mis-matched wardrobe. they can be found in your local park producing the blood-curdling sound of bongos . " You gotta express yourself,man! " is their battle call, ignoring the fact that I could train a monkey to play bongos. this is part of their master plan to annoy and get attention. An admiration of Che Guevara is their coolest thing, as the abundance of T-shirts will attest. It's just the leftoid thing to do, man!

The smell of patchouli always foretells the arrival of these drealock clad idiots and their hairy-legged women. They are loudly making their way to a local lantern festival where they hang from trees baboon-like , whipped into a frenzy by illegal fire works and cheap drugs.

You can also find these jobless hippies at various pro-marijuana rallies smokin' up a storm in the middle of the day, asserting their self-righteous ways. Funny that beer drinkers never feel the need to attend pro-beer rallies.

Oddly enough, with all their talk of green living and sustainability, the transportation of choice for the urban hippie is the VW bus. A predictable hippie cliche. Un-cool as these things are, they pollute more than a friggin' locomotive. Hypocrisy for the sake of image. Yeah, hot rods don't have a catalytic converter, but it's a hot rod, not a political statement. Ain't no way of lookin' cool in VW, tell you what!!

Hippie tip:

An effective way of choppin' stinky dreadlocks or hippie crack plants (marijuana)

Swedish Chopper

6. New Age Hippies.

Lordy. lordy.. even worse. You cannot have a rational conversations with these freakos.
Every conspiracy theory in the book. Crystal rubbin' ( it's a freakin' rock, Silicone Dioxide! It's got no "vibes . man!"). they think everything has vibes ,man! The only vibes is their synapses, slowly disconnecting.
A poor substitute for science and basic knowledge, this falls into the purview of hippie thinking; just make shit up as you go along. It's much easier than learning some facts and doing critical thinking.

As one spaced out hippie sporting a guitar with two strings missing once told me and my buddy Texas Nick at some hippie jam where they were absolutely massacring some Hank songs , " You don't have to tune guitar ,man, I'm expressing myself. man"

Vegans that they are, they are always sickly. They then go to some local hippie store and consult some ancient hippie with a hand written wooden sign around his neck, that says " Herbalist " and try to get this charlatan to find some stinky weed that will cure their vegan-weakened immune system.

7. Country Music Hippies.

Some of the most insidious yet. You can find these style-less folks at your local Country or Rockabilly jam. They are dying to play. They get on stage, any stage anytime, just to spew their white bread Country songs. They have visions of being real rebels, but lack any edge or conviction, Their left wing altruistic interpretation of Country or Rockabilly and complete lack of edge sucks the life outta the room.

I 've jammed with some of these overly eager wannabes in some expensive house ,I stopped the music and explained to them that they hadn't lived what they play. I tried to explain that if they never been able to make rent, fallen off a bar stool, or got into a bar fight they just were never gonna get it. It fell on deaf ears of course, but as my old friend , Ray Condo (RIP) once said, while shakin' his head, " F' in hippies playin' Country music!.

Kats 'n' Kittens. hope this helps.
Keep it greasy and keep an eye out for the longahairs.
Adios for now.

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